When is enough, enough?
Hi, I am new to this board. It is very hard for me to talk about my situation, but i thought i would give it a try... I have been married for 18 years. My husband is addicted to Marijuana and pain killers. He is a physician and very bright which makes it worse. He also steals, lies and has cheated on me on more then one occasion. He has stolen Vicodin form my friends medicine cabnet, written prescription for Narco and Vicodin in his parents names and I'm sure many other things i am unaware of. His last affair was 2 years ago and went on for more then then 2 years. I had know idea, as cliché as it may sound. He had lied to me all along about the drugs, but I never thought he would be unfaithful. Anyway, that was two years ago. We immediately tried marriage counseling with a therapist the was an addiction specialist. (during our 18 year marriage we have tried many therapists and I tried many times to get him into therapy) That lasted the usual 6 to 8 months until I realized he was still using drugs and texting the other women he works with her, so he has unlimited contact. And all along telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. That is the abbreviated version, but I think you get the gist. I finally had an epiphany about a month ago ( I know, i know, I must be dense) It never dawned on me that I was an enabler and codependent, it is such a simple concept, but I guess I just could not comprehend it or would not comprehend it. I thought because I was always confronting him that I was being proactive, but I get it now. I am now seeing a therapist who is excellent and I am getting ready to leave. We have two children 14 and 11, so it has been an agonizing decision. I made some rules for myself. I will give him three months to get sober. He wont go to rehab, he is trying to do it on his own. I know that story too. He see's himself as a high functioning addict, I'm sure he is. That combined with his own sense of entitlement gives him permission to do it his way. A little background on me, I am a recovering bulimic, so I know first hand how hard it is. I had a Rhinoplasty and 2 revisions to correct the original botch job and liposuction twice. I get Botox and lip fillers about once a year. I am in my late 40's. The reason I am telling this is because he uses that to his advantage. When we talk about his issues he likes to bring up the things that I have done. He says I m just as responsible for the breakdown of our marriage and I have problems too. I suppose there's some truth in that, but I have always gotten help and continue to do so, I have not had any episodes in over 5 years and very few the 5 years prior to that. I have also tried and tried to get him to get him into counseling, and he did he just lied through every session. As a matter of fact the only time he brings up my eating disorder is in response to his drug addiction. Is that all part of being codependent and an enabler? Why does that have anything to do with what he does? I have also thought about an intervention, but I know this all has to come from within and he has not hit anywhere near bottom yet. I realize there are no right answers and everyone has a different end point, but I am emotionally empty and beaten down by all the horrible things that I have had to field over the years. The other disturbing thing is that I am really the only one that knows everything.
Most everyone thinks he's an easy going great guy. He goes out of his way to make people believe this while in reality he is destroying his family. What are the chances that someone with this type of behavior will ever recover, even after i leave? I look forward to all your thoughts.