This is an addendum.
A lot of my frustration comes from not having friends right now. I am also unhappy about my work, my apartment and what I can do to get ahead, plus a healthy fear of being taken advantage of.
But I think my main problem is expecting to be happy. Wanting and expecting to be happy accounts for another good half to 3 quarters of my unhappiness.
I also used to live in Czech Republic and in that language, the word for "Happiness" and "Luck" are the same, and I think that's correct.
One can't expect to be happy as one can't expect to have friends after isolating oneself for several years with one's alcoholic significant other.
Right now, I'm in a bad place. I should accept that as fact rather than try to fight it. I'm unhappy... Well, and so what? It would be too much a stroke of luck to expect happiness out of the bargain, too. If I am happy at some point, I should be thanking God for my good fortune, but for right now, maybe I'm supposed to feel bad for a bit. Maybe it will be good for me to REALLY experience the pain.
I think about this, about accepting and really experiencing the emotional pain of this situation and I wonder how much of avoidance of pain may have played into my decisions previously... I don't know. I DO know that I have been bouncing from crisis to crisis my whole life, from my abusive father to crazy roommates, from making mistakes in college to my first job. I was even fired one from a job for being too melodramatic and negative. This is the part that scares me.
I think I'm supposed to overcome the unhappiness I feel right now rather than rail against it the way I usually do because, in the end, what is happiness? Maybe if I delve into my discomfort right now, I may just find a road, if not to happiness, then peace.