FT

Hi DWP,

I had ortho surgery in 2009 (two knee replacements within 3 months of each other) and then a hysterectomy last March. I had become dependent on oxycodone when I suffered internal derangement of the left knee (several torn ligaments) before the surgeries, on top of osteoarthritis which finally led to my becoming the bionic woman.

I spent 2010 trying to get off oxycodone. The hyst didn't help. But I found I really didn't care so much about pain if I could get my drugs. I tried tapering off, at first with physician's guidance, but it only drove my dose higher and higher. In December, my dose was so high that I became seriously frightened I would die in my sleep. I could no longer remember how many pills I had taken the night before without counting them in the morning, but then I counted them all day anyway. I knew I had to stop.

On top of that, I had a clinical conference coming up where I had to perform medical procedures and do math calculations in my head, all while standing up for 3 days straight. I knew I could NOT do that on oxys. So I just quit, cold turkey.

What I didn't anticipate was how sick I was going to get. I was terrified I was going to have a seizure, so I wrote all the hospital ER information down for my husband for which I was sure would be an inevitable call in the middle of the night.

I came here to this forum, scared to death. I had no idea anyone else had done the things I had done, getting addicted like that. It sounds silly now that I've been here for 7 months, but I seriously did not know. I thought addicts were "those people", not me. I also had lied to my husband, who thought I had tapered down to nothing before quitting, and so when I continued to be really BAD sick after 3 days, with the encouragement of another poster here, I told him what I had done.

For me, I had the bottom line where I could not expect to continue using and get on with my life. I couldn't do the cold sweats sickness in the morning any more and still work. For many months, I never intended to quit oxys. I figured I could use them and work. Later, I discovered what I refer to as "the oxy lie". Oxycodone is not a sustainable drug in the long run. Neither are any opiates, except MAYBE in controlled medical supervision for chronic pain, where the doc switches around the opiates and uses adjuvant therapies to manage the dosing, HOPING to avoid addiction.

I found my doses had escalated and were becoming dangerous. I finally had to admit the oxys had to go.

After my husband realized I was going to be sick for a few weeks, which I discovered by coming here, I got shored up by this forum. Other posters (specifically Going2Change and SickButHappy) kept me from caving. Trying to help other people get through withdrawal helped keep me from caving.

So, I would say that I got clean by running myself into a brick wall with oxycodone use, discovering I had no way to continue it, and forcing myself to quit cold turkey. No willpower, here, guys. I just denied myself access so that, no matter how sick I got, I COULD not use. Believe me, if I had any oxycodone lying around in the first couple of months, there is NO WAY I would not have used it.

So, I got clean so I wouldn't die. I got clean so I could work. I got clean because I had to get clean, or face consequences that I couldn't fathom, had no idea what else I could do.

I hear about other people reaching their "bottom". For me, that was mine.

I could go on, but that's the short version!

My posts are always too long here, for the sole purpose of irritating some of the other posters. Ha! Well, so I am verbose. I have been called worse.

FT