likehappiness, one of the triggers that lead to my brief relapse was exactly what you described- the obsession of my use. Someone on another thread yesterday mentioned that breaking their rituals was almost more difficult than not using- I AGREE! After six months, my cravings to use were literally NIL. It never crossed my mind anymore (never thought I'd see the day!) But when I allowed myself time, when I found myself in those familiar spaces and places... I found I didn't quite know what to do. I'd start my shift every morning at 7am with a search for my drug- how would i get it, where would i get it, how could I hide it, gathering my "supplies" for use, ducking into the bathroom, etc etc. Where most nurses were taking their breakfast/coffee breaks, I was taking my drug break. Except eventually I was taking these "breaks" every 3-4 hours, and hardly working in between. It literally became an obsession, hunting down what I wanted, learning the best way to use, the drugs I liked most, the combinations that I enjoyed, evaluating my results and adjusting my usage accordingly. Such SICK behavior! I had NO IDEA how much time of my day using or trying to use consumed. I found that once i stopped using, i could finish my 12 hour work day in less than 8 (because i had become used to speeding through my work so that I could use enough during the day but still have impeccable charting and complete all my tasks.) So I suppose I let myself get bored. Complacent. Allowed those voids that used to be filled with using to creep back into my life. I now know to NOT allow this to happen again. When I have that void, that extra down time, that lack of purpose, I will go to a meeting, a message board, call my advocate or my counselor, even take a bath or read a book. I have to. My sobriety completely depends on it.