I am overwhelmed and overjoyed to see other nurses here, sharing my struggle. I have learned that I am not alone in my addiction, but sometimes I feel very alone in my recovery as a NURSE. As NVRAGAIN3PCT mentioned, a lot of my guilt and shame stems from feeling that I should have known better. I am also hurt by the realization that I myself was at one point guilty of judging others (patients, colleagues, humans) for their addictions- even while I MYSELF WAS ADDICTED. How could I be so self righteous?!
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your support. I means so very much to me. And thank you for your recovery, for that means a lot to me, too. I'm still learning much about this process but one large aspect that's helped me a great deal is being accountable. I still have SO much work to do, but what kept me sick in my addiction was being so alone, refusing to seek, look for or ask for help. My God, was that difficult. Once I resigned myself to it, I feel freer and even less ashamed.
Originally when I stopped using on my own, I did not ask for help, never admitted a problem, suffered silently and stayed sober for over six months but just barely. I strongly believe that fear, shame and avoidance (of the drug AND the problem) kept me from using, but all of that broke down after about six months. I relapsed but fortunately was not able to get my drugs in anything but very tiny amounts. I had not returned to daily use and did not withdraw when stopped. For that I am grateful. Currently I have 22 days. Not much, but a start.
donewithpills, my biggest suggestion is to get away- even temporarily- from bedside nursing. It was such a huge trigger for me. Despite my desire to not use, no matter how much I told myself i wouldn't today, no matter how SICK I was of being so SICK, it was as if my brain and body went on auto-pilot as soon as I walked onto my unit. So use I did, over and over again. I was fortunate to find a GREAT job away from bedside nursing, and I love it. My recommendations for you are to try either psych/substance abuse center, case management (either at hospital or for insurance company), home health (this takes a lot of self-discipline, though!), IV therapy or infection control nurse, hemodialysis nurse. I had ZERO experience in the field I switched to, but my boss took a chance on me and I am loving the challenges and learning experiences!
Good luck, everyone. I am SO happy to be here, sober today, happy.