A Nurse in Recovery
Hi everyone! I'm new to this thread and relatively new to recovery but found a lot of invaluable resources and information here and would like to also share my story.
I am a nurse, and became addicted to narcotics because of the easy access I had to them in my profession. I worked in an area where removing, dispensing and wasting LARGE quantities of narcotics was expected and never questioned. It was easy (and free!) for me to obtain "wasted" drugs and never call attention to myself or my behaviors. I thought it was risk-free fun! It never, ever occurred to me that I would become an addict, or how far I would fall. It did not take long for me to begin using IV drugs. I got sloppy and didn't even attempt to cover my tracks anymore. I couldn't take enough drugs during a 12 hour shift to satisfy me. My job performance, social life, relationships all suffered. EVERY aspect of my life came second to using, even giving good, safe patient care. For this I feel MOST guilty.
I was eventually confronted and after a period of denial, accepted my condition as an addict and sought treatment. At first my motivation was simply to appease the board of nursing in order to maintain my license, but soon realized this was not enough to keep someone sober. Since then, I have come to terms with my need for true, long-term recovery. I have found happiness and peace in my recovery so far. I look forward to everything this journey has to offer me. So far I have found incredible support and friendship within this community- something lacking within my own profession (you would think nurses would understand the disease of addiction and empathize, but the opposite is true!)
When I was enduring withdrawals and experiencing the loneliness of suffering my addiction alone, I often thought that i would NEVER feel normal, happy, or truly alive again. Reading forums like these, knowing that others had endured it and found happier days on the other side of their addiction, truly got me through those times. Now I'm here, at that happier place I thought I'd never reach, and I am SO GRATEFUL.
My addiction is powerful- it will always want me to use. But I hope and pray that I NEVER forget what those days felt like- physically, emotionally, spiritually. I do not want to go back to that place. No high ever felt as good as my lowest points felt bad. Like many people, I started (and kept) using because I felt incredible energy, pep, relief of depression, relief of social anxiety, increased ability to perform in every way. It made me feel great (at first.) It tricked me into believing that using just the right amount made me BETTER- a better nurse, a better student, a better friend, better organized, etc. What I failed to acknowledge was the valleys following those peaks made me WORSE. Made me feel so incredibly low that I tried to avoid those valleys altogether, to live my life in one giant peak of constantly being high. And of course, I self destructed from there.
I felt (and still feel) incredible guilt and shame for my addiction, and the harm I caused or could have potentially caused to those around me. I strive to achieve serenity and forgiveness within myself, and I can more easily achieve that by committing myself 100% to my recovery. I cannot change my past behaviors but I DO control my present and my future.
I am severely restricted in my nursing practice and required to jump through incredible hoops to prove myself as a capable and competent nurse so as not to lose my license, but I am extremely grateful that i at least have that opportunity. I have to remind myself that although sobriety requires a lot of time and effort, I probably put TWICE as much time and effort into maintaining and hiding my addiction. I'm relieved I don't have to carry that burden anymore.