Back to Black, sorry that you are having a hard time with this. I can totally see how much of a fan you were.
The only words of comfort I can offer is that you can honor your feelings by continuing to live a sober life. She went one path, you've gone the other.
I for one am incredibly grateful for my sobriety after reading about her death. It served as a stark reminder that I have to keep my sobriety at number one priority at all times.
*And those three times you were meant to see her and it didn't happen was because, unfortunately, her addiction issues absolutely ruined her career. You were a great and loyal fan to continue your admiration for her despite her private life overshadowing her amazing talent. I hope, in the future, you get a lot of joy again from listening to her music.