FT- that makes a lot of sense- I wasn't using the switch thing as a literal explanation, it just seems that way because one second I want one thing, and the next second I want another. I'm not sure about how the addicted mind works, but learning so much about anxiety disorders and how they work, I get the feeling that addiction may be similar.
I could type a book on the subject, but I'm just going to keep it short and say it's got something to do with my conscious mind always at war with my subconscious mind. That's how anxiety works, when on the road to recovery, and I'm almost certain addiction is very similar. With the anxiety, my subconscious (through habit and repetition over the years) is always trying to drag me down, causing symptoms and sensations at the most unnecessary times. This is where me, armed with knowledge and therapy- I have to use my conscious mind to constantly interrupt my subconscious... Not fight it- but interrupt it. And I have to do that doing numerous things, mostly stuff that requires a lot of mental focus (to divert my attention away from the anxiety sensations), and self talk telling myself I'm having anxiety, nothing more- all of this, in turn, causes me to be extremely tired (mentally), as it is a very exhausting thing (when conscious thought and subconscious thought are always clashing with each other) throw the whole addiction sh*t in the mix and it's a very tiring battle that just seems freaking hopeless at times. With the anxiety at least, the goal is, eventually I will be able to build new neural pathways through learning and positive experience, therefor pretty much becoming "normal" again. With the addiction, I'm not so sure it works this way, although others may feel it does, and I understand that.
You said something about benefits of staying clean and the benefits of using- What made me want to quit was the fact that I got to the point where everyday I would use cocaine despite having panic attacks every time I used. Each time I would swear, never again, and then shortly after the panic attack stopped I'd do more cocaine. (causing the same ****).... The crazy thing is, I wasn't getting any pleasure out of using, I was actually feeling WORSE while I used, yet I could NOT stop. This was enough to make me want to quit. I understand benzos, for anxiety, are not the answer. They only mask the symptoms/sensations, they don't solve the problem. You're also talking about risk of dependence, and all the fun stuff that comes with that. If I knew for a fact that I could use again without having anxiety, I would. If I never had anxiety issues, I never would have accepted help to quit using. So with improvements of my anxiety, the desire to use is growing stronger. Anxiety or not, benzos help out a lot... I'm just tired, of being tired... I was tired when I used all the time, but now that I'm sober all this conscious/subconscious rational/irrational intelligent/primitive sh*t going on inside my head is enough to wear me out to the point I just can't fight it. I can't keep fighting it like this everyday of my life...
But for those of you who were wondering, I am sober today, I stayed sober last night- I did have some friends over though and drove em somewhere while they smoked weed... And nah it wasn't a big deal really, I used to smoke pot all the time and enjoyed it but towards the end there some of my worst panic attacks were on pot so due to such negative experiences burned in my mind the last thing I wanted to do was smoke it. If I had some klonopin or xanax or something I'm sure I wouldn't have had a problem smoking...
But just so you guys know I'm sober today and plan on staying sober the rest of the day, I can't promise anything about tomorrow or the rest of the week but I'm certainly gonna need to do something about all this crap going on in my head. Coming on here helps tremendously but there's certainly much more I need to be doing.
Looking back on my last relapse I don't want to make the same mistake- but like I said it is so much of a struggle in my mind it's just so exhausting. Saps the energy right out of me... But I'm sure I'm no different than any of y'all