Hi everyone. I haven't posted for a few days because I feel like I'm in a waiting mode. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for... I've been reading the posts on this board and others and I went to Alanon again. I also got a couple of 12 step books to read. I went to church on Sunday and read the Bible last night... so what's the matter with me?
I've been feeling so depressed. Part of it is hormones (menopause) and part of it is not knowing what to do next. I'm exercising, doing yoga, working full time, loving my dogs... working on me. Why don't I feel better? I'm going to be 50 next month... Maybe that's why I'm depressed.
My A is still drinking nothing new there... He even gave me permission to drink if I wanted to!! LOL
I noticed on my way home from work today that I have started this habit of looking at apartment complexes, thinking, Oh that's a nice one. Ohhhh.. that one looks safe... Ooooo... that one has a nice view. I feel like I would be running from my situation but if he isn't even going to put an effort into getting sober then why should I stay? I work with a lot of together people that do things with their spouses. They camp, they ski, they ride mountain bikes together, they exercise together. My friends husband surprised her for her b-day. I'm lucky if my A remembers.
ok whine whine whine whine... sorry... The thing is... I've never really been on my own and I'm really wanting to. I want to paint the walls a color I want! I want to plant the plant that I want! I want to move the friggin' couch where I want it!!! I'm tired of someone telling me what to do all the time!! I want to do what I want when I want and not have to take care of someone that is perfectly capable of taking care of himself if he would put in the least amount of effort! But he sure can tell me what to do! My kids are grown and it's just the two of us and I don't even want to be around him. He stays in his cave and I stay upstairs.
I have a career that I really like and it pays well. I got that career on my own, my own sweat, blood and tears ... (HAHA) went to college and graduated last year with not a whole lot of support from anyone. (pat on the back there) I'm ready to move on with my life and I feel like he's holding me back... sometimes I don't even want to come home from work. I'm going to be 50!! How much longer do I have to put up with this?? Do I wait until he dies?? I want to live... I want to travel and go camping and explore Colorado... soberly.
Oh, WHEW!!! I needed that. It took me awhile to write it. I see and feel the anger but I'm not going to apologize. I'll work the 12 steps, I'll keep doing yoga, going to the gym, going to church and trust in God. I don't seem to do so well when I'm the one making the decisions so he has to do a better job than I can!
