I'm with ya...
New to this forum, but so glad I found it.
When I was 14 my mom sat me down to tell me my dad was an alcoholic. She prefaced by saying "I'm sure you already know this, but...". I was completely floored and told her I had no idea. We didn't even keep alcohol in the house. Once my mom started naming behaviors though, it made more sense - how making scrambled eggs with chocolate milk was not dad just being silly, how when it's near impossible to wake him up from a nap it's not because he'd had a long day. It all started to make more sense. For the next 10 years, he was in and out of sobriety - until he drank himself to death at the age of 53.
In the following years, even when I knew he was drinking, I never ONCE saw him do it. He was so secretive and I think extremely concerned with maintaining an "image" of being a good father. I never considered my experience to be "typical" of an ACOA because my dad was nice and not abusive. After he died, I assumed I was free of the ACOA label and never even considered that the word "recovery" could have any meaning in my own life. I've realized in the years since (about 6) that that is not a label you ever actually shed and - SHOCKER - I have some codependent tendencies that I am just now at 30 years old beginning to confront.
While I have spent my teen and adult years crafting an image of success and independence (a lot of energy trying to make my family look normal...gosh, who else in my life was so concerned with images?), my two most significant intimate relationships as an adult have been with alcoholics. I vehemently tried to avoid that and still...there I was. My current relationship *I think* is going to be much healthier...he's also an ACOA, but has spent many years working the steps himself and doing therapy, etc. We're learning a lot together, but I'm just starting to understand how these old patterns are still affecting me. I have found myself very tempted to tell small (and sometimes big) lies out of fear my boyfriend will have a negative response to what I'm feeling/doing/etc. The problem is that there is absolutely no evidence or reason to believe that he would react negatively. AND if he did...does that mean I don't have a right to say what's really on my mind? Of course not! Lots of control and fear stuff.
I also realized recently that while my parents tried to create a stable environment for my sister and I, I think maybe they tried too hard. I really have no memories of them engaging in conflict, much less coming to a healthy resolution as a result of said conflict. I'm not sure I know what that even looks like. I get very anxious any time there is conflict in my life and I think it's partly because I never had any examples of how that can serve to build trust, intimacy, and an overall better relationship (in personal and professional life). In light of this, I'm just feeling kind of frozen in place - like I wasn't given a critical tool for managing adult relationships.
Long story short? In spite of the complete absence of alcohol around me growing up, I have been dramatically impacted by alcoholism. I'm relieved to be coming to terms with this now, but wondering how I might have realized some of these things even earlier in my 20s and maybe saved myself some pain.