Hugs dear hwsm.
Thank you for your kind words.
You are in a good place here in SR. And my words are kind yes but they are also true. I am not saying "oh it will get better" so you feel better. IT REALLY DOES GET SO MUCH BETTER IN WAYS YOU CAN'T IMAGINE RIGHT NOW!! HANG IN THERE!! YOU CAN DO THIS.
I haven't seen him in 3 1/2 weeks.
You are doing so much better than how I was doing after a month of No contact. To me it has taken almost 3 years and I am not done 100% yet. Guess am a slow learner lol.
You can love him and miss him and cry all day. Just keep No contact as if your life depended on it. It does. I have read so many stories and have seen so many people (I rent a place to my therapist, go figure) that go back, then come back to SR and come back to group therapy months later, even more destroyed than before.
Time+inner work+sharing with people that love you and/or get you= a happier hwsm
He always "quacked" in the past, sent long rambling emails, text messages that went from one extreme to the other.
XABF was also kind and loving then turned to a monster. Then cried all night saying how much he had gone through with her mom's death and how I was the only woman for him. Then he was a total jerk. It is the cycle of abuse. We call this "Jekyll and Hyde syndrome". You can't get Jekyll only. It comes with Hyde. And Hyde is unacceptable.
I don't get it. I feel like he's probably gone way south or maybe he's seeing a professional who told him not to contact me? I don't know. The not knowing is hardest. I feel like maybe we should have sat down and said goodbye, this is it. Some type of closure.
Oh I tried this, but you see this is like "I will just have one more drink". "If only I saw him one last time". And its never enough.
Your tears now are a step towards closure.
Anger, resentment, sadness, are steps towards closure.
Acceptance is closure.
You can get closure, its all up to you. You don't need him to get it. You can be at peace. I can tell you more about this if you wish, (some techniques I have learned in therapy and books)
I will look for those books.
I hope you do! the Grief club was the one who helped me most in the early stages... there is a chapter dedicated to the loss of an alcoholic.
I looked up the meeting times and places again but just starting crying. I can't believe that my life has come to this.
Awww... well, it IS like this now... but it won't be like this forever!! an end is also a beginning. I don't know if you are a believer but I have a lot of faith and I know even if things hurt, its all for the best, even if it takes years to get this perspective. And what about your son, if your XABF stayed around, perhaps your son would have started picking up the drink too thinking its OK. Maybe you are being spared a lot of pain that would have been in store if XABF had stayed with you.
It's sooo not how thought it was going to turn out. All our plans for the future; just gone now.
Its difficult to let go of dreams
but it gets easier once life passes and you live better things in real life. Life happens where you are and in this moment... we cannot cling to the future, we will suffer; we cannot live in the past (I lived in the past all my life!! NOT a good way to live!!!)
We can only take decisions based in the present observations and options. The XABF in his worst moments? thats who he decides to be now. That was all you got. Was that enough? was that OK. was that peaceful to you?
I'm trying to remember the bad moments and deal breakers. The smell that made me want to puke, that I knew was liquor on his breath. I went back and read emails I sent to a friend a year ago when I first suspected he had a problem with alcohol.
Good. Keep it up. Make a list and have it handy. Read it often.
What's really crazy is that the XABF told me that in his 13 years of sobriety, he was the head of his AA group, helped a lot of young people, and organized dances and stuff. He showed me all his literature and coins. He told me that if anyone knew how to quit - it was him. Nutty, huh?
That is the thing with addiction, there are no guarantees. Any day can be the day. Any moment can be the moment where they relapse. I personally would not be able to relax. Although I did not face this situation as the addict I knew is still active and denying any issue.
I knew I needed to talk to someone when I not only thought about ending my life, but exactly how I would do it. That really scared me.
I also thought about it and I also was making plans and was about to buy a gun. How scary. Those are gut level responses - I am so glad you are back here and being brave and facing this. I believe..that coming from such places, makes you love life very intensely, when mourning has passed or lessened. You are forever changed. You realize how strong you are.
I would never ever go back to feeling so low and miserable. Mourning an alkie was the most difficult thing I ever did. No one should have to go through it.
I love life now even when it sucks often. You will love life once again I am sure. All this will be a passing memory. All this will bring you thoughts like "OMG, I am so glad all that is over". Remember, I am you 2 years later so you have to believe me. Believe me!!
Right now I'm taking college classes to try and get a nursing degree. My baby will graduate from high school in two years and I need something to do!
I know how difficult is to concentrate but I hope you make efforts to keep on with your studies, I almost quit my job and am so glad I kept it even when I was a zombie for many many weeks... good for you for getting a degree!!
You are very inspirational.
Aww.. thanks... well, just giving back what was given to me when I arrived. SR was a lifeline, you are in a great place for healing...
Even though I can't imagine it right now, I'm so hoping to get to a better place and take better care of me. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put my heart out there again.
You are already on your way to getting to a better place.
And no, I hope you don't ever put your heart out there FOR SOMEONE WHO WON'T, or CAN'T, SEE ITS VALUE...
I hate to sound dumb, but what is the HALT rule?
To scan yourself often, if you are
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Your goal is not to be any one of these things, get the 4 covered at the same time!! I'll bump a thread where you can post how you are feeling RE HALT...
I wrote him a letter and mailed it but got no reply - yet. Like I said, I'm ewas hoping that he would repeat the same stupid stuff and blame everyone else around him. It would make letting go so much easier, knowing I did the right thing.
He already did stupid stuff and blamed everyone else. Why would he have changed in a month?
I continued working with XABF, been 2.5 years or so. He is THE SAME person. THE SAME. NOTHING has changed. So don't torture yourself thinking XABF is someone different. Leave the magic to Chris Angel. Trust what you experienced.
No one changes by magic without consistent efforts, actions and raw honesty.
Thank you again. Your compassionate words mean so much to me right now.
I am glad you are in SR. You will feel so much better, but No Contact is paramount. You have already gone through the first weeks, it gets easier. Distance will bring you clarity...
More hugs!!