Hi hwsm,
Just wanted to slip in a "I know what you mean" comment, I have been missing my ex for the past week, for some reason. I don't want to talk to him, or resume contact, I'm just curious as to how he is, especially because he seems to have finally given up on contacting me... last attempt was about three weeks ago. Funny how that happens, as soon as they leave us alone and give us what we want, we wonder where they went and what they're doing.
There is that part of me that is still hoping he finally got it, finally realized he had this problem. That's just silly, for me to continue hoping that is the case. But once in a while I find myself still thinking that way. I just want him to be happy and healthy. Perhaps my definition if that doesn't fit his, but either way, it would be nice to know that he is happy. Or would that make it worse, realizing he is happy without me? What would that do to my psyche? Ha, what a mess, right?
No matter what he has going on, if he finally "got it", and quit drinking, went to therapy, started a program, whatever, it doesn't matter to me right now. I think about it this way: If i got information about him, how he was doing, what he was doing, what would I do with that info? Would it make me go back to him if he were doing well? Would I call him if he were doing poorly? No, on both counts. Nothing is going to change as far as the decisions I have made, I don't want to get back into contact, don't want to go back to him. Even if I wanted to risk getting involved with someone recovering from an addiction (i've already vowed not to, it's just too risky for me), but if I decided to do it, it would have to be years and years of recovery before I would entertain the idea. So finding out anything about anything right now is a complete waste of time and mental space for me.
Basically, i'm bored, and lonely. Living in a new town, no friends yet, an okay but not great job, financially strapped, and wear the same clothes every week because I haven't been back to SC to pick up any more stuff, can't afford to make the trip yet. These types of circumstances are bound to put some bad ideas in my head, and one of them is contemplating checking up on the ex. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired... all opportunities for me to lose my serenity.
Stay strong, and keep focusing on you, instead of him. Unless you plan to do something with the information you may receive, I would think twice about looking for it.