the urge to drive by his house at 3am (so no one would see me). I want to look in his windows. Did he take all our pictures down? I do keep hoping that he will "come to his senses". I'm mad at myself for investing so much time, energy, and love into someone who I didn't realize wasn't capable of returning that to me. He wasn't abusive, but very good to me. Sometimes I wonder if it was just me. Was I crazy? What if I blamed him for drinking and he really didn't? It's just so hard to accept that it's really over. I waited so long for the type of intimacy and connection that we had. My head hurts from crying so much. Why am I doing this to myself?
This is what I needed to recognize for myself - that even thinking about him so much was bad-for-me codependency. It helped, and still helps, to be able to tease apart the segments of the giant ball of pain. Did I miss my morning ride to work because I was thinking about my ABF instead of noticing the flowers on the bike path - again? The more aware I get about where my mind travels, the easier it is for me to rephrase things, and yes, go back along the bike path to name the flowers.
It gets easier.
This is what recovery looks like.
- Sylvie