dancingnow

Realized in the last 6 months that my AH was probably an A or close to an A when I married him, although I wasn't really aware until 5 or so years after our 3rd child was born.

What I am realizing though is that I spent the last 15 years of marriage not recognizing and then denying that there was a problem and convincing myself that if AH just stopped drinking I would be happy.

Now that I have changed I realize that I was the only one keeping our relationship going. I used to tell myself that I was happy about everything else in my life, except for how AH and I got along but I kept trying to get along. Doing things that turned me into a non-person.

Where I am at now is still hoping AH will change and take on responsibility for his part in our relationship. Not sure why I keep holding on to this as he hasn't done this for the last 15 years and I think he just as soon accept the free ride is over and let it go without even trying.

Thanks WTBH for starting this post with your ESH and putting light on where you see your responsibilities lie.

It makes me realize I have a responsibility to myself to not go back to the person I pretended to be just so AH might be with me. If he is going to be with me, he needs to take responsibility for how his alcoholism has affected our relationship and I need to show him and he needs to see me for the person I truly am.

Just taking each next best step for me and hoping I come to the realization that this may never happen. At least I am clearer on my responsibilities and not wasting energy on making our marriage work.

My youngest is 10 and the kids are getting more and more independent. I am taking care of myself and am challenged at figuring out my next best step for working. It seems that I will continue working on my relationship with my kids (there was some damage in these past few years with my insanity) and improving my work situation and planning for my future but having a partner was always something I thought I would have in my life so I am not sure how much longer I will hold onto a marriage where I don't have a real partner. At 50 and with kids still at home I think it is just enough for me to let go of this relationship and come to terms with my life without a partner.

My eyes opened to so many parts of my life that are good and I am realizing how exhausting and how much energy is wasted in trying to make it work with AH. It seems that a good marriage would allow for people to change and grow with each other but in an A relationship other factors mask reality and set us up for not being our true selves or banging our heads against a wall if we want to make it work.

I too wish to find a meeting with more spouses of A and with kids. One meeting I go to is somewhat like that, although many are already grandmothers. Other meeting I go to is mostly ACOA and it is good in that I can see the affect the non-A may have on kids so helps me with that.

Sorry my post go long. I was thinking of cutting it out but I am going to still post it.

(((Hugs))) to everyone.