What an amazing thread--thanks everyone.
In my experience, the next step was to figure out why I was that girl at the beginning of the relationship all those years ago. Why did I fall for the charming, life of the party, "great guy" (just ask anyone)? I didn't have confidence in my own radar, wanted to see what I wanted to see, saw he was selfish but I knew I was "giving" enough for both of us and, as someone who wasn't noticed when she entered a room, LOVED being with someone who made such an entrance that I was noticed too! Because of various types of dysfunction in my family, I wasn't accustomed to being #1 in anyone's eyes, so didn't miss it in my relationship with XAH---at first.
It feels so good to be a healthy "me" finally, even at age 54. It's all so much more complicated than "he drinks too much."
Thanks to SR and others for help on this journey.