wanttobehealthy

So I've had some time to think alone, long and hard lately and have become a lot more honest with myself (which is weird bc I didn't think I was being dishonest or in denial earlier) but anyway...

Last night I was having a conversation with AH about selling the house. Of course he wanted to make it into a talk about how I'm to blame.

I didn't argue or defend. Instead I let him talk and said okay and he puttered out pretty fast.

Then I had this coming together of a bunch of stuff that just kind of blindsided me and this is what it was:

When AH and I met he behaved in the same ways then that he does now. He was unpredictable, undependable, didn't commit to things or to me for a long time for that matter. He took risks, didn't respect rules, was "charmingly" arrogant and angry all in one. He has continued to be all these things. When we dated, were engaged and first married I WAS bothered, hurt, saddened by these behaviors and how he treated me. But I was also very sick (in the head!) and I was afraid to tell him I deserved to be treated better bc I thought he'd leave me (the thought of me leaving him never occurred to me).

I didn't say this this bluntly to him. What I did say was that I felt and had been talking about in T (which is true) that I have changed. I changed my expectations, I changed what I wanted, I changed what made me happy. I told him that I've realized that I lead him for years to believe that one set of ways of interacting together was fine and then suddenly presented him with a different set of wants and said that I recognized that was unfair. I lead him to believe I was happy with the uncertainty, the lack of committment, the dangerous behavior and that I was charmed by it all initially. But over time I changed and wanted more certainty, predictability etc... and for the first time ever I really really understand how he has felt like I expect too much from him. If I were AH and had been lead to think that who I was and how I was was fine and then all of a sudden started being asked for very different behaviors, I'd feel resentful too.

I don't know that I am explaining this well but it's really been eye opening to me to realize that the person who has changed the rules of the game has been me, not him. I've blamed him for not being who I wanted him to "turn into" with me as I changed when I ought to have been seeing that my changing didn't mean he had to. In fact I have to admit that in a way, I deceived him. I let him think that not returning calls, cancelling plans, drinking too much and driving and on and on were all things I was more than okay with. And the truth is that I was never ok with it but I acted as if I was so that he would not leave me. Sicker still is that I also thought (had no awareness of this at the time) that if I was "cool" and "low key" and put up with these unacceptable behaviors that he'd love me and think I was great and then once we got married (or engaged) that my love and his loving me would make him want to be the man I hoped he'd be.

I don't have a clue what brought this awareness/thinking/realization on but boy was it a moment of blinding clarity last night and I've been thinking about it all day.

My expectations were based on my fairy tale, my wish list and NEVER based on what AH promised me, showed me he'd do, etc... I really feel as if I owe him apologies bc I had no business marrying him... I went into this marriage hoping things would be diffferent once we were married-- that's not okay...
Thanks for letting me share....