i haven't been posting much. i haven't felt like it. there have been alot of changes in my life that i have had a hard time talking about.
i guess today i'm ready to talk about it.
since feb, my mom has been in and out of the hospital with an intestine disease that killed my grandmother and aunt. it's partially hereditary- is my understanding. all 3 ignored the symptoms until it was too late. they might have just caught my mom's in time.
so since then, i've been watching my father slowly loose his wife. my mom was a large woman, and now she barely weighs 100 pounds. she can't lift her head off the pillow some days.
growing up, she was horrible to me. abusive to the bone...i really hated her for a long time. my dad for alot of years wasn't much better, but we mended fences after i got sober.
my mother's condition got so bad last week that i flew in my brother from LA to be here because we didn't know if she was gonna make it through the weekend. she did.
i can tell you with no hesitation that all of the bulls#it hatred i had towards them or specifically her, is gone. it's been terribly hard to watch my mom suffer the way i have.
i don't feel bad for myself-quite the contrary. i feel bad for my dad who is going to loose his wife of 43 years if things do not improve.
i've been driving him to the icu unit in the hospital every other day and that's hard too. i loathe hospitals because it brings back ptsd i had when i lost someone very dear to me when i was 17...so this has made me kinda sad lately.
i'm not gonna drink....i have no desire to....but i'm sad, and that's new to me in my sobriety because i'm usually a pretty happy go lucky type of person.
i just know that if i'm not there for my dad, he won't make it through this. he thanked me yesterday for all of the support i've given him and i can see he appreciates it . i can see that my mom does too.
i really hope they can get her condition under control. ...i'd like to have another chance at a relationship with her.
sadly, i just don't know if it's in the cards at all, and that also makes it hard.
riight now, i'd just like my mom to impove. say some prayers, folks...please.
peace.
