Thanks again for all your words of encouragement. I went to the funeral on Tuesday and I can't even begin to describe how glad I am that I went. I walked in, sat in the back, felt out of place for a while because it was a very formal Catholic funeral service and I felt like everyone knew when to stand up, sit down, kneel, what phrases to say in unison, etc...but then at the end I saw his dad, brother, sister and her husband. They immediately all gave me the biggest hugs. It was such a feeling of relief to hug his dad and tell him how much I truly did love his son. I've carried around a lot of guilt over the past couple years...I kicked my ex out of the apartment. In moments of pure frustration in trying to talk to him while he was insanely drunk but slurring that he wasn't I told him I hated him. I think I assumed that one day (I imagined it being years and years from now) I would run into my ex, he would have FINALLY 'got it' and got his life back on track and I would have the opportunity to ...well...'apologize' isn't really the word b/c I did what I HAD to do...maybe explain to him where I was coming from...and have him tell me that he understood. Now I can never do that...I wonder if he left this world thinking that I thought he was scum of a human being. That hurts.
Anyway, after the funeral service, I went with his family to lunch. I can't describe the vibe, but being there with them felt...so peaceful. It was essentially therapy for me I think. It was also really refreshing that everyone (some of his extended family was there too) knew the situation and spoke candidly about it. It didn't feel 'fake'. I talked privately with his brother about how the last time I talked to him he was drunk and I told him I was going to block his number, and did. I don't remember exactly what he said, but he reassured me that I had done all I could and not to feel guilty. He said that my ex's condition had definitely worsened...apparently he was '10 times worse' than what he was when he was living with me. Yikes. I guess that makes me realize there really was nothing anyone could do. It's just so tragic...how delicate life and the human spirit can be sometimes. Sometimes I try to put myself in his shoes. He lost his mom, someone he was really close to and his world fell apart. I have a twin sister, she's my other half...she's the one person I can tell ANYTHING to, the one person that I can confide in, that can pull me up when I'm in my deepest darkest hole...if something were to happen to her I'm not sure how I would deal...or if I could. Maybe my ex was going through something like that...and if that's the case, wow, I'm really glad he's at peace.
Phew. Thank you all so much again for your sympathy and understanding. There are just so many conflicting emotions swirling in my head right now. Alcoholism (whether genetic or not) sucks. Plain and simple. I hate it. I saw it mercilessly steam-roll my ex, someone I loved, someone I thought I was going to marry and have a future with. I think the worst thing about it is that only the victim (not sure if that's the right word) can save himself/herself...but by the time the final stages have set in, the victim's spirit and mind has been crippled...making it even harder for him/her to save himself/herself.
I know so many reading this are also struggling w/ losses and pain. My heart goes out to all of you...I hope from my experience with all of this I can offer my support to all of you when it is needed.
Love,
Lindsay