Hey Beth, I reread your message from earlier and thought it was great. In SMART recovery, they view relapses as opportunities to learn and change. Not that they promote them, but when they happen to make them meaningful. It sounds like your relapses provided some meaning for you in the process and you've become much stronger this go round. I feel the same about myself -- each time I have let go of alcohol it is with more conviction than the last. There is something now that is keeping me from drinking ever again -- aside from all the obvious benefits of not drinking -- I really don't think my body can handle it anymore. I really believe I was on the verge of doing serious damage to myself and feel I stopped just in time. THAT is what is keeping me from drinking. All of the other stuff is great, too, but my body not being able to handle it anymore, that is what makes me think I cannot drink. Almost like discovering you are a diabetic and can't eat sugar again.
The craving for wine that I had tonight, while pretty intense while it lasted, was one of the shortest cravings I have ever had. It went away as quickly as it came. I take that as a good sign that I'm able to knock down those cravings pretty effectively. I know it gets easier with practice and that is where I'm at. The SMART meetings are there for me when I need them and I'm starting to really benefit from them.
Thanks, Beth, for your kind words about losing my au pair. I was so sad and it hit me hard and out of nowhere. Kind of like that same feeling I had after dropping off my daughter at day care for the first time. After crying for a little bit (I think that was healthy -- so many bottled up emotions), I felt better and happier. My kids are also dealing with it (each one a little differently) and my daughter got sad a little later in the evening when I was feeling better. We will be fine. It's definitely time for her to move on with her life and we had a great year. I know she was sad, too, and was about to cry when she was saying bye to me. Okay, enough, I don't want to start crying again
Good night guys.