458Cooper

This is my first post.

I'm not really sure what to say. So much has happened over the last few years that it's hard to write it all down in one post. I'll try to keep it short as possible.

I guess what has really triggered all this is that I started a diary about a month ago after a trip to a friends house to swim. It was myself, my son and my "aw" (i didn't really know this at the time). The diary was started so I could document everything that happens with us from day to day. I have a hard time remembering details of what has happened (she doesn't) so I decided to write it all down. I've ventured to do this several times but things would get better between us and I'd let it go. I was really concerned and figured I had to do it and not stop, I'd even document the good days too.

During the ride to our friends house she confided in me that she had contemplated harming herself because of the way things have been between us. She told me that she'd researched ways to do it and even how she thought she would. One of her coworkers children had recently harmed himself using helium. She claimed it was supposed to be painless and that would be her choice. This really scared me and got me to thinking of how I should handle it. The first thing I did was go home and change the combination on my gunsafe. Since then I've been writing in my phone diary a little something every day.

If we go backwards a little from there. My wife has had trouble for a long time managing money. She never has enough no matter what she has. About a year ago I took her off my checking account and separated our bills because I was tired of her causing our account to go overdrawn. When I'd tell her she couldn't go spend money because we didn't have it she would say I'm controlling. This way she has her bills and I have mine. Her non-discretionary spending (fixed bills) was about 50% of her take home pay. Mine was over 90% and I had to cover all unexpected things. I make about twice what she does. Even with her bills set up that way she would always ask me for money. And when she needed help paying something like her car note it wouldn't be "I need a little money to help me pay it", I'd have to pay the whole thing. I was always wondering what was happening to her money (I had no idea).

Now fast forward a little to about 4 months ago. I got tired of paying her car note for her and I guess she got tired of paying it too. We woke up one morning and her car was gone. Repo man payed us a visit in the middle of the night. She, as always, blamed me because I didn't help her pay the note. I started working on how to get some transportation for her to get to work and found one of my friends had a nice 20 year old car that only had 100k on it (it was his second car) so I paid him cash for it and took it home. She drove it a few days and came home one day and told me she took money out of her 401k to buy something. I'm driving the car now and I parked my truck to save on gas money. She bought a jeep and is driving it.

The reason I mention this is because that triggered something in her to confess to me about a drinking problem she had. I knew nothing about it and was floored when she came out of OUR closet with a big purse that had about 10 empty vodka bottles in it. I didn't know what to think or do. She said she was showing me because she needed help. We kinda let it go that day because I was really pissed and needed to think about the situation. Days later when I mentioned it she claimed it was over and wouldn't happen again. So I trusted her and let it go.

Okay fast forward a little more to last week when I came home from work at my usual time around 12:30am and noticed the garage garbage can bag was out of the can, tied up and laying behind her jeep. This was very unusual for her and I don't think she has ever touched that bag. To make it even more suspicious I had just put that bag in there and I could see that it wasn't even half full.

The next night when I came home the bag was gone from behind her Jeep and she had put it in the can we push to the street(city can). This was even more suspicious because she always throws the house garbage bag in the garage floor and I take it to the city can. I made it a point to look in that garbage bag the next morning. Guess what? I found a 750ml empty bottle in there. My suspicions were correct. After that I started looking around the house and found 5 more empty bottles 375ml in a coat in our closet. She has one side and I have the other so I never have to interact with her clothes. I took pictures of all of them and added them to my diary.

A couple of nights ago after spending some time at work reading about closet drinkers on this site and how they hide their habit/disease I walked by that same can in the garage I noticed a water bottle that was a different brand than what we buy a wally world so I picked it up, opened it and took a sniff and sure enough it smelled like straight vodka.

Last night when I got home I found a new vodka bottle (empty) in an empty purse hanging in her closet. She was very irritable and edgy which I've always thought was her adhd. She was diagnosed with adhd last summer and has been on Adderall and Xanex. I see now it's the alcohol making her act like that.

How could I have been so blind with all this going on right under my nose. I'm very upset that all this time of her blaming me for our problems and our arguments that all this time it was probably the alcohol causing it. Now I can see things and why they are happening because now my eyes are open.

I don't know how to handle this. I haven't told her that I've found any of this because I know the fight will be on and I don't want to deal with it. I have marked all the bottles with a small dot so maybe I can keep track of how much she's drinking while I figure this out. Looking back I can see now that this has been going on for years right under my nose. All the little signs I'm seeing now I remember were there all along.

So sorry this was so long but I wanted to get it all out there on the table.


458Cooper