theatredork

So I'm on sober day 119, and today will be my 89th meeting in 89 days... so I'm at this point where I'm beyond the first 90 days sober (yay! they say that's the toughest... don't want to go through it again)... I'm approaching completing my 90 meetings in 90 days goal... I have a sponsor that I think is great - I like her, she gives me assignments to help work the steps, she listens to me, she reminds me that I need to work on my sobriety without being super harsh.

I'm currently "on" step 3, in that I was assigned to read the pages in the Big Book, say the step 3 prayer every day, answer some questions on paper... but I think I've really been working step 3 for about a month or so.

For some reason the last week or two I have been struggling. I keep hearing that when you are stuggling, that might mean that you're not turning things over to your higher power enough. And I think it's true. I haven't had a craving to drink, really, but I have had relapse dreams (I'm always mad at myself in them - in fact one day in my dream I told myself it was a dream, but then "accepted" that it was true and I would need to change my sobriety date - talk about confusing - took me a while to realize I hadn't relapsed when I woke up). I've had a hard time motivating myself on the weekends. Even when I get things accomplished (and I have gone to a meeting every day, at the very least), I end up taking naps, watching TV, whatever. I usually call my sponsor every day, and two times instead of calling I've texted her - that means I'm hiding.

For some reason I have not been saying the 3rd step prayer every day as directed... not been calling other supports...

But this morning I actually got on my knees to pray. All I did was say the serenity prayer and asked God to help me... and for some reason I felt more alert this morning than yesterday... less ashamed... I spent 10 minutes cleaning up my kitchen before I left for work and felt 10 times better.

I guess it just goes to show that following the program and doing what other people say to do pays off. It really works. And praying... I don't know if saying a prayer makes God reach down and bless me... or if it centers me enough to motivate myself... but either way it's never hurt me. I'm going to keep doing it.

I'm a little nervous about finishing up my 90 in 90... but I have a plan (5 meetings a week - Tues, Thur, Fri, Sat, Sun). If I need to go on a Monday, I can always go.

Thank you all for being here when I need to sneak in a little recovery reading while I'm at work... connect when I don't feel strong enough to talk to someone face-to-face... Whether you have 5000 days sober or 0, it helps me to read your stories.