I kind of feel like I have a false sense of reality regarding my recovery. Maybe Im not doing what I am supposed to. Im just telling myself that I am to protect myself. This morning I woke up and did a little reading to try to calm my mind. Then it just kinda of hit. Ive got to let him go. Even if he gets sober, even if he stops lying, regardless of anything he may do in the future, the only way I really see the pain going way, is to let him go, because he is the ultimate reminder of the pain and hurt. I dont WANT to let him go. Ive spent my entire adult life with him as my bf/fiance/husband. I dont KNOW anything else. But I just think its best for me.
I do want to add that the things I wanted to discuss with him weren't really regarding our relationship. I knew that we would need counseling if we were going to continue our marriage. I just didn't feel like we were on the same page as far as him coming home. He is due to be released Wednesday, and I don't think he realizes that it is NOT an option to come back into my home, and that a SLE is probably the best place I THINK is good for him. Wherever he decides to go is his choice, as long as its not my house!
I know he'll lie to me if I ask, which Im still contemplating whether or not to ask.
I try to talk to my family, but my mother isn't the comforting type (who is ironically enough a recovering meth/crack addict) I don't talk to my father (who is an alcoholic/addict) and I think my friends are tired of hearing me cry. There solution is to just "move on." I can't blame them though. Its been a long long road, hes stolen from them and lied to them that they do not see the good in him.
blah.
Thanks for the advice guys!
By the way, I am seriously contemplating whether or not we should even CONTINUE to talk anymore. Ive got a lot of decisions to make, and I don't want to regret them.