I just started writing and couldn't stop.
I sometimes crave oblivion mainly because I get so bored with myself and my surroundings that I struggle for an alternative, especially at nights when doubts creep like spiders in the cracks in my mind.
However I shouldn't feel afraid of boredom.
I can pursue one of my new hobbies in these times.
Recently I've taken up reading as a hobby and I've enjoyed getting to grips with ones about spirituality and religion. I especially love reading about the trap of alcoholism and peoples experiences with the drug.
I've grown equally fond of watching movies too. Before I'd sit in my room in an almost comatose like state just counting down the hours until I could go to bed. Now I genuinely enjoy watching films, mainly comedies and horrors.
I continue to love running too, although I've neglected it somewhat recently due to gaining 5lbs which is directly related to alcohol consumption and the insatiable hunger that goes with it.
By having my last drink on the Tuesday 12th July 2011, I will have more energy for runs which will make losing the weight easier and I'll subsequently feel better about myself.
I also begin training for the Dublin Marathon on 12th July. I will make this my primary focus. I will run until it no longer hurts to run.
This will help to address my self esteem problem which fuels my drinking in bars. By losing the weight and using the money I save on abstaining from alcohol I will be able to buy new clothes and improve my physical appearance.
Whilst I haven't drank since Sunday 3rd July I intend to buy a shot of tequila tonight and drink it tomorrow before going on a run.
By quitting alcohol for good I'll be ridding myself of a poison that has stolen my serenity, self confidence, self respect and money. It isn't even a crutch anymore. It's a black hole that sucks and deadens the light of my consciousness.
This battle will only become more difficult if I delay. I will find new situations that I can't embrace without drinking oblivion. I will cause myself more hurt. Life will become intolerable. I will lose more money. Possibly a job, a wife, a house.
**** knows where this will end for me.
And this drug is meant to be a relaxant?
It's meant to ease stress?
If either of these claims were true, going by amount I've drank in the last 7 years I should be the new anointed love child of Bob Ross and the Dalai Lama.
But I'm not that. I am what I am and I am where I am and that's alright.
I can't get closer to being myself through any drug.