somberheart

Its been a while since I last posted. Ive been trying to work on myself, and my own issues I have due to my addict husband. My husband has been gone for 35 days in rehab (so AWESOME) but everytime I try and talk about things that I would like to discuss, especially my feelings, he completely shuts me out, and turns the conversation either into an argument or looks for a way to get off of the phone. Ive addressed this with him, first I was very complacent and passive ...." hey, it seems like you are avoiding certain things i'd like to talk about.." then i tried making a "plan" to talk about it..."hey give me a call about 1030, there is something I need to talk to you about.." that didn't work either...more excuses. So two days ago, when I was at my witts end and hadn't talked to an adult in 3 days, I was finally to that point and I was mad...needless to say it ended in a two day argument about me, him, our relationship, his commitment, oh the list goes on and on.

Anyway,

during this time he says to me, "you aren't doing what you are supposed to be doing in therapy" Ah WHAT! im doing the BEST I CAN! I am sharing 6 sessions with my daughter, who our counselor is referring to a therapist because of PTSD (of watching her daddy shoot up in front of her. )I am doing EAP right now because 1) its free! and 2) Im broke! so at least I am TRYING! Im doing the best that my means are allowing me, and he criticized me! I am hurt. I am hurt, because I AM trying! Its hard because I don't have 8 hours a day to devote to therapy and making myself well, but with the 1 hour a week that I do get...I am TRYING! I am trying to love myself, reading all suggested literature and going to Alanon. I feel as if he doesn't understand the demands of three small children, and to criticise my attempts, ouch.

After everything escalated, I was done. I needed my "15 minute timeout" to avoid taking the argument further.

During that time Im sure that I had a total codie relapse. I signed on to my computer and logged into HIS facebook. Immediately I knew I shouldn't have. I feel terrible for doing it, and I shouldn't justify my behavior. I know I am going to have to explain myself tomorrow morning. But before I do any explaining I had seen where he was talking to one of his friends (who is also in recovery) He told him that the first couple days after he was out of detox and went to an outside meeting he scored some "30's" (roxicodone 30's) and "shot them up like an olympian" My hurt sank, my stomach burned, I still can't believe it. He's in "rehab" getting hours and hours of therapy that I WISH I could have and totally abusing it. typical addict right!

Im hurt, Im deeply hurt. I don't even know if I should believe it. I know that they UA, but I do know they didn't UA him until he was there for like 17days. (He's been there for 35 now)

Should I bring this up to him? I don't even want to talk to him really. At least not right at this moment. My heart is broken. I really HONESTLY thought he could do this, I was rooting for him. I was rooting for me! and now I feel back at square one. I fished through his messages, and now Im regretting it. In a way I feel no better than he is. My heart is hurting so bad , I keep asking "Why" Why should I care about this man? Why am I putting up with this? He's not here, he's not offering any financial support for me and our babies (which hes told our friends that he had savings from selling drugs that Im living off of ---HUH? Thats not true, because I haven't seen a dime!) Financially right now, I cannot file for divorce. But I do know that its been 30days since he's lived in my home (which is not in his name) and I can technically "evict" him. My blood is boiling, and my heart is broke. Where do I go from here? All I know is I am running to al-anon tomorrow afternoon, because right now I feel its all I have left.

Thanks to all for listening <3