Ron, you have been in my thoughts the last month since you shared your sad news. I have thought about you every time I logged on to SR, hoping to see an update from you. Glad you are back, albeit under more stressful circumstances for you. Hugs.
I remember when I first joined SR. You were here and took time to offer me wise words, encouragement and judgement free support. Now it's my turn, and I feel honored to be able to do so.
I also drank because I couldn't cope with losing someone - my sister. Three years ago, my lively, sparkling, beautiful younger sister passed away aged 34 from a brain tumor. It was quick and brutal (less than 6 months), and robbed her of everything she had. I was so damn angry about it, full of guilt, resentments, trauma and horror about what I saw, I didn't know what to do with myself. Enter the booze, big time...it numbed me, and enabled me to cut off from everyone and everything. I could only *really* cry about her death when I was drunk, and then I would be a snot nosed dripping howling mess that couldn't make sense of it all, neither to myself or anyone else. I did cry when I was sober, but it was almost too real and painful, so I shut down. Now I realize the grieving I did when drinking wasn't healing in any way, shape or form. The sober tears were the ones that healed me. Too bad I didn't have many of those - because now I'm sober, I know I am basically back at Day 1 in terms of dealing with my feelings about losing her.
Please don't do what I did. I wasted three years of stunting myself emotionally instead of doing what should come naturally, painful though it is. I know you can do this, Ron, and I am so very glad you are back here and seeing the Doc in the morning. You aren't alone.
Peace and blessings to you.