A few years ago I lost a son, suddenly and swiftly. In the days and weeks afterward, I drank with a vengeance, yet barely even managed to escape - the grief was permeating and it defined everything in my life. I was unbelievably angry, filled with a sadness so heavy that it left me speechless, and generally of the feeling that nothing in the world would ever be right again. It was a dizzying, helpless place, and I drank thru months of feeling this way. In my mind, this was just the way I needed to cope and to process, but in reality, this strategy resulted in me causing an entirely new and needless tragedy and wound me up in jail.
The heartbreak and futility of intense grief are wickedly difficult feelings to experience, but they do shift and change with time. This will get easier to navigate. Allow yourself to feel some of the painful stuff without the blinders on when you feel ready - acknowledging and honoring the pain that I was in was one of the most helpful steps in moving forward for me.
Take care of yourself - I wish you peace and hope you are able to find solace soon.