Thank you all for all your thoughts and kind words, and information... the trouble is... the more I read, the more hopeless I become... From what I am reading... this is only the beginning of a long line of these events... I have not found one story of someone who gets clean on the first or second shot.... I don't have a lot of faith or belief in a higher power so something like Alanon or Naranon is not for me... not to mention, I need to keep this a secret from my family, friends, and new job (I would like to believe that the "Anon" bit works... but I am too cynical for that).
Now my only hope point is... he was never using drugs for recreation (or so it seems) what he has been using lately has been his attempt to fix a problem he believes he has... as far as I know you can't get "high" off zoloft. Maybe you can... I could be completely naive... and that feeling just adds to the horror of this whole situation.
I'm angry, sad, and scared. My heart is breaking. I can't eat or sleep. I feel like I want to puke constantly. My parents are starting to see thought the story I told them and are close to forbidding me to see/talk to him or his parents (I am in my late 20's but am living at home for financial reasons, which pretty much makes them think they own me and can boss me around like I am 15). The extra stress and pressure from them is making this 10,000 times worse.
I confided in one friend about everything that is going on... and now I ever regret that. He is getting frustrated with me for not cutting and running. What I really need is to talk to my BF, but he's still not up for that... by all accounts he is still having withdrawals coming off the benzos (the doctors said up to two weeks) and does not feel up to talking. I am trying to be understanding, but I am starting to lose my mind.
In a perfect world, I would see him through recovery and then we can decide about our future... but I am not sure if I can spend the next 6-12 months in this state of mind. I am supposed to start a new job and move across the state at the end of August... (only 40 miles, it's a small state). We were supposed to go together, and I am beginning to accept that he won't be coming with me... but at the same time... I no longer have any desire to go (which I know is totally irrational). I am afraid that all this stress will render me unable to succeed. I am also afraid that the ghosts of what should have been will haunt me while I am there alone.
I am not a patient person... not even close... I know he needs time, I know he needs me... but I am not sure I am strong enough for this... I want the man I love, I want him to get better, and I want to move on with our lives. But that is not going to happen is it? I cannot move forward I cannot go back... I am stuck... and I am afraid it may kill me.
:o(