angie4

Thought I would update yall on my situation. I am sure the true reason I havent done it earlier is I am a little embarrassed and somewhat disappointed in myself.
A couple of weeks ago I asked my AH to leave our home. His DOC is any sort of oxycodone (roxi mostly). His drug use has spiraled out of control for the past 2 years (he has been an addict for 10+ years). These last few years he has begun shooting up pain pills. Has taken an obsene amount of $ from us. Has stolen things from us and his parents. The bright side (if you can consider anything bright in this mess) is he has continued to keep and excel at his job. He comes home everynight and has stayed involved in the raising of out kids. I would imagine the stress of keeping up appearences probably makes his addiction worse. Who knows? I dont know how he seems so normal (to everyone but me) and continues the life he lives. Shocking really. Anyways, so I asked him to leave a couple of weeks ago. I went to his parents to let them know what was happening and just get their support. His mom's response was and I quote "Angie, you need to do what is best for you and the kids. If I were you, I wouldnt take his phone calls, wouldnt speak to him. Let him fix his own mess." His dad has always been very supportive to me as he lived through similar things as a child. Needless to say, my AH moved immediatly to their house. Ha! So much for support. Within a day they thought I was lying (atleast his mom did). I am confident they were giving him money and offering support to get my kids. I panicked. As i have said before, I live in a very small town (which I am not from) and it is all in who you know. I was truely worried that his parents would do whatever they needed to, to get my kids. I have made a few mistakes over the years. I have allowed his parents to spend entirely too much time with my kids (my younger kids spend some of every day, usually while Im at work, with them). That has caused a few problems. First, the kids feel very very close to them. Second, it gives them too much control. And third, they are way to involved in our life. Anyways, I panicked. My AH was playing me like a fiddle and I knew it. He was being cold and in control. It scared me. One afternoon my AH showed up at the house and we talked. He wanted to know my intentions. I told him that I was ok with whatever happened. I wanted him to be clean but realized I couldnt do it for him. I want our family to get thru this but if it didnt I would be fine. I didnt want to be apart but I couldnt keep going the way we had been. He had to change or we would never be together again. Of course he said all the right things. I didnt invite him home. He left the house (to go to his parents) and I was ok. About an hour later he showed back up bags in hand. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was coming home. We were married and this was his family. And we were going to work it out. Period. Honestly, I was glad he did that. That stregenth, take control man is who I feel in love with. I have missed that guy. I knew he hadnt changed, in more ways than one. First, that guy I loved was still there (the one who loves his family and is the leader of our family) is somewhere deep inside him. Second, I knew his addiction hadnt magicaly disappeared. I didnt go back into this blind and I didnt losse the peace I had found. So.. here I am again, yet I am different. I am in control of me. I am preparing for what may or may not come. I am getting control of the kids and trying to save some money. All the while I am on my knees praying for his salvation. I cant fix him and honestly dont want too. I can only fix me. I am working on my family, my finances and myself. I am not yelling, screaming or crying daily. I am not snooping (as I dont need a cell bill to know whats going on). I am talking to him and he is talking to me. Unfortunatley, I wish I didnt have to hear some of what he is saying. And Im sure he feels the same way. I guess it comes down to this. I acted like a parent who beats their children when I threw him out. I was unprepared, ANGRY and acting before thinking. I said and did things out of anger and panic. I have taken a step back and am now in more control of myself than ever. I am preparing for the spanking. Getting all my ducks in a row and making sure I am calm and ready. And while I am walking up those stairs headed to his room I am praying.. praying for God to lead and direct both of us. praying for peace for me (with whatever I am forced to do) and praying for intervention for him (the kind only God can give).