chicory

As some may know, my 40 year old son is staying with me. He is an alcoholic. this is the second time for living with me, in the last 5 years. I knew he would drink again, if he had money, and he did. he is unemployed, but did some work for a friend. He has been in his room, presumable drunk the last two days. I wasnt sure and tried to detach, in case i was wrong.
today i got home from work, and found an open can of soup- his favorite meal when he is drunk- open and eat. he was in his room. i waited, knowing. he came out, stumbled past me, and out for a smoke. I looked out, and watched him try to stand up after putting his smoke out . he stumbled forward toward my truck, twirled around and I saw he was totally wiped out. I was afraid. not knowing if he got paid in "pills", or money=booze. i asked him calmly, if he was ok. He said he was tired. He was so wasted, he could only tell me he was tired, and say ; "huh?" I followed him in to see if i should call 911. I am not used to seeing someone really drunk. it frightens me. i talked to him, and he tried unsuccessfully to sign onto the computer. finally, i begged him to tell me if he is ok- is it pills or booze. he finally said he had a screwdriver. One? I said, he said "a screwdriver".
he stumbled back out, fora nother smoke- five minutes from the last. I looked in his closet,a nd there was a big gallon jug of wine, empty. and his "screwdriver" a nearly half empty screwdriver, 25 proof. i have no idea if this is strong or not. I met him with the bottle and asked if i could keep it , and if he would rest. he hugged me when he saw how sad and worried i was. he said no. took the bottle, locked me out of his room.

I am just so damned mad that he is no doubt an alcoholic. I am going to have to make him go. He cant put me through this again. I cannot bear to see my son able to drink his self into a stupor. I fear for him, my heart is breaking. I just cant bear to lose my son to this .

I lost both parents to alcohol. and now my son? i just cant figure how to manage this . I hate so much to think of putting him out. he needs help. he doesn't see it. i have posted about him before and got multitudes of suggestions, put him out.

well, it is like ripping my heart out, to even think of my son having no home, because of alcoholism. I guess I ahve been trying to help- help him get help, and maybe I have been in some sort of denial. and am having to see this , and to face the truth, which will destroy me along with him.

I am afraid, i feel helpless, and fearful of the choices i have to make but more fearful of doing nothing.

I just need to scream. it isn't fair. why, when i love my kids so. when they are my life. i am so very angry, my son will die from this. I cant believe that he cant see this. I cannot accept that this is really what is happening to him.
It does not help to shut my eyes. it is real, and is still there when I open them.

Thanks you for reading this. and for being here. i am so very sad, to my very soul.

chicory