I didn't think I brought full context to the situation so let me clarify.
I am neither Stalin or Buddha. My aim is not to be like them I just seen the extremes in myself when I go through this insanity. I use stalin and buddha as extreme examples because I think most understand these people as polar opposites and in some ways even identify with their behavior. It's the extremes in my behavior that I was pointing out. Sorry I wasn't more clear. Hell if anyone strived to be Stalin I'd have them committed! Buddha is passive in every sense.
I am not them nor am I looking to be them as examples to reclaim my identity. (I have nothing against buddha btw).
Regarding this "visitor". It isn't the "texter". He's gone from her life so-far as I understand. I planned to pick this guy up and let him relax at the beach as we tend to go there on weekends. Am I trying to heal him? No. I Don't even know him.
All I know is that he's married with 2 kids and his wife is across the country. I honestly don't know their situation. One boundary I've drawn is... He isn't coming to my house. Not even for a second.
My wife is in an outpatient treatment center. Few of the inpatients have kids and even fewer have a marriage. This is a place people don't yearn to go.
Regarding trust and my wife: If the marriage is here for good and her intent is legit (I believe it is)... Than this outing means nothing. This is a great way to start building trust on both sides. (I think). If she has full intent to perform infidelity? Well there's not a lot I can do about that either. I think the end will be the same regardless. We have to build trust but I also don't want her feeling like this is a prison.
If everything she's told me about this guy is true? Than I'm doing it for 3 reasons.
1. To get out of myself.
2. On the basis of compassion.
3. To rebuild the trust with my wife.
I know I have many roads to cross to see things with some semblance of sanity.
If the marriage is a farce and my response were different. She'd get into it anyway. I'm not naive enough to think it can't happen. I know her actions had ramifications and I see based on how crazy I've been that I can do as much to her in her recovery as she did to me.
I completely understand your sentiments on the early stages of recovery and I appreciate the concern. I also understand that should I go "the opposite route" that I'm not doing my part to build the trust.
If it weren't meant to be than this I don't think this will make a difference. if it were? It still wouldn't have an affect outside of me being supportive.
For the record I am working on myself. How exactly? With you and with others in recovery along with going to al-anon. here I'm just trying to be understanding and supportive and trying in earnest measures to not be Stalin or Buddha.
I really appreciate your dialog. Its helped me a lot. We don't have many alanon meetings here. Once a day and most I can't make on account of work and my family.