borntobetoo

Well this is what I have learned about myself over the years. I was the scapegoat. I left far from home in my early 20's from a large family. I am the oldest and the only one adopted. I accomplished a lot in learning about myself and others as many do. I ended up having children with a women and we never married. She ended up with a horrible gambling addiction. Eventually I was able to take the kids and move back to my home town and back to my childhood memories and a lot of things I had blocked out. I am not very close to my family as far as none of them really know the real me or take the time too. I take some of the blame but some of them I keep at arms length for good reason. The kids mother transferred her job to a town a few hours away. I let her,the kids and my family my life hell. I was consistently getting angry and yelling and I knew were it was coming from. I would be so full of shame after this. Then my oldest starting doing this to me to the point were he has hit me and verbally abused me. Meanwhile mom is pulling the puppet strings especially when I meet and got involved with another women. We had many great days but the kids and I suffered on my meager earnings. the boys mother did not participate financially. My family would talk a lot about doing this to help us and that but would not come through. Of course this is usually when they are drunk. As a result I keep them out of my business and broken away from my mom and her enabling and controlling ways. I have learned to communicate better to my father but that is a two way street. My wife to be goes right at him and I am on pins a needles at times when we all get together for some family event. some of my siblings or petty and still treat me as the scapegoat. Back to the kids, I went to court and mediation and it all worked out differently then I first envisioned but not bad but better. The kids now live with mom. The youngest lived with my wife to be and I until the summer. The older boys and their mother used all kinds of manipulative tactics but for the most part I learned to be a step ahead of it. Now my oldest son, whom is not a huger, surprised me with a hug when I saw him. It seems to be working out and I'm getting better at communicating with there mother, but boy can she be hateful. Bottom line some days I'm better at not being the victim but it is so easy to fall into that trap again. It has affected me my whole life. As a result I have had numerous jobs. I was the enabler in my family for years trying to get it to work with the kids and their mother. This I figured I learned from my mother in an attempt to gain her approval as a child. It never happened but I was programed to mimic some of her behavior and some of my dads. I have suffered from depression since a child but have made great strides in myself despite how it may appear to others. I stumble and fall and sometimes rise high. It use to bother me that my parents never acknowledged my successes. Any rate nice to be here. I love my higher power!