Wywriter,
Once the "anesthesia" wears off, it seems very likely you will either deliver your AH to the VA, or he will immediately re-"anesthetize" to bear the pain, and in a big way.
Both present windows of opportunity certainly coming soon.
I hope the plan is never to leave an infant alone with AH, especially in this condition.
Maybe the plan went awry, but you did the best you could on the spot and you were ready and willing to carry out your plan. I hope you can give yourself credit for progress. You are already dealing with very difficult circumstances - judging yourself harshly isn't productive.
My motto is "forward progress, every day" even if very small.
My experience was that the first few Al-anon meetings felt REALLY strange to me, but I kept going. And then all of a sudden, my inner self realized it was a safe place, and it was like someone finally put a salve on a fiercely burning wound. It happened when I went to enough meetings to finally get ahold of that jittery panic and open my mouth, and when I did, the world didn't erupt in nuclear meltdown, they just sat and listened, and heard me. It was like out of the fog, these people emerged in that room, and they all UNDERSTOOD.
In my early recovery, I went to a meeting every damn day, I was so damaged. And I went to an equal number of open AA meetings as Al-anon meetings. I needed this to wrap my head around what this disease was, did, meant, became, required for treatment. The AA meetings were incalculably helpful to me, to see recovery from their side, help me separate out the disease from the people affected by it, get crystal clear vision of what real recovery looks like and what is just smokescreen BS, and finally understand it wasn't about me - that I was just collateral damage from this freight train, and what I needed to do was get out of the way, tend to myself, and heal.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI