Well, quick disclaimere her. I didn't hit any person. But it felt like it and it was gooood.
I did the pillow. I just slammed that pillow into my bed, saying in this growl from my belly all that I wanted to say to him, what I think of him, what I KNOW him to be, what a nasty rotten man he is to have picked on me and a dozen other women before me. Then I started punching into the air like I was boxing him, and some amateur kickboxing. <grin> I won, by the way- and THAT felt GREAT! I’m so much lighter. I’ve been in so much therapy in my life and no one EVER said, “hit back!” Even just alone, into the air, or a boxing bag (is that what they’re called?), or throw stonnes, or any of that.
This is the really exciting part: As I was boxing at him, I found myself punching the kid that used to beat me up and destroy my toys when I was little (and spit on my birthday cake, and dump out my Christmas stocking and rip it, and step on my easter eggs, etc). He was my parents’ best friends’ kid.
I was never allowed to hit back because he had polio and was on crutches. He used to beat me up with those crutches. Once he knocked me off a bunk bed with them, when I was about 4 or 5. My parents disapproved when I complained or cried when he beat me up because I supposed to be “the better person,” and pity him, excuse him: “poor, ___, you know he doesn’t have the advantages you do….” “Just sit down here and be quiet.” And I did.
As I was punching that kid today- just pummeling him- I was feeling so good and I realized that what those adults had told me was a lie. I should have punched that little creep and asserted my right to self-defense when I was a kid. THEY weren’t going to protect me. THEY left it up to me. Then they doled out parental platitudes. But I’ve needed to punch out that kid for 48 years.
It’s so obvious why I resented XABF for using his “alcoholism” card after bullying me and exploiting me and threatening me and trapping me against walls, and all that petty bully crap. He used his disease as his excuse for that, and more, and I BOUGHT IT! Of course I did. I waas trained up that way. I was being that same good little girl, “the better person,” compassionate and forgiving first- with resentment and disdain inside.
No way. Take care of me first. Then show compassion- after I’m safe and sound.
Amazing. Fifty one years old and never realized that I needed to feel the power to “hit back.” Today, I feel like a person just like everyone else, who deserves to defend herself just like everyone else. I feel very Tawanda! I deserve to reject mistreatment and slam the door on it instantly, not forgive and take more. THAT feels amazing to say, and know.
And SR and you guys are golden, you know that?
GettingBy,
I so agree. It is NOT good. It is BAD. And girls are taught it far more than boys are.
I’ll go back to the Beattie book and read that chapter. But if it says to be mild, I might not be on that page at the moment. Haha.
StarCat,
Thank you for directing me to PassionFruit’s post. And thank you PassionFruit for posting it. I will do that.
CatLover, Mike and Freedom,
I like the ritual idea too. I think I’ll do these. I don't have a yard, so maybe a jar.
LuvInDaisy,
I understand the pain and admire your moving through it.
Dugld,
I figure I’m fungible to him. It seems women have been fungible his whole life. Pfft. Not the best pick for a mate, but I sure appreciate what that relationship has taught me.
Programmatic,
Yes, I can see that. That’s why I put it in quotes, that seemed wrong, or confusing. It is far more like moving it through. Thing is, it was stuck in me, like two black pool balls, hard and heavy in my gut and my throat. I don’t tend to address it immediately, directly and honesty, with awareness of the source and meaning. And I guess I’ll have to learn how.
LifeRecovery,
Exactly! I couldn’t even work. That's very frustrating, isn't it?
I'll try some EFT. Good idea.
TheUncertainty,
Good song! That’s how I felt, too. Til I faux punched him out today. (He was a faux bloody mess!) My daughter's a fan of Miranda Lambert. Her BF calls her "the fire chick." (Miranda, that is)
Mike,
Not wobbling.
You guys give good advice.