Welcome to SR
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I do not attend ALANON but I am an alcoholic who utilizes the AA program. I believe that sponsorship is similar between the two programs though so I am going to share my experience with you.
WHAT A SPONSOR DOES:
* Helps us work the Twelve Steps by providing explanation, guidance, and encouragement
* Helps us get established quickly in our Fellowship by explaining basic concepts and terminology and by introducing us to other members
* A sponsor is a safe person whom we can learn to trust.
* A sponsor can answer the many questions that we have as newcomers or develop as "mid-timers."
* A sponsor can help us in the process of self-examination that the steps require
* Encourages us to read the basic text of our Fellowship and other program literature and to engage in Fellowship activities and service work.
* Can monitor our progress, confront us when it is appropriate, and generally help us stay on the recovery path.
* Reminds us to apply the Twelve Step principles in our lives.
* Models the Twelve Step program of recovery.
* Is available in times of crisis
* Provides practice in building relationships
WHAT A SPONSOR DOES NOT DO:
* A sponsor can not keep us in recovery
* A sponsor is not our therapist.
* A sponsor should not attempt to control our lives or encourage an unhealthy dependance.
* A sponsor should not take advantage of us or exploit us in any way.
Just my opinion but it sounds to me like the sponsor of your wife has not only encouraged an unhealthy dependance but also taken advantage of the vulnerability that comes when one trusts a sponsor enough to do the Twelve Steps by developing a romantic relationship with her. That is one reason that having a female to male sponsorship is discouraged.
Please do not think that this is appropriate or the norm in any Twelve Step program as it is not. I am truly sorry for your negative experience and pray that you will be able to move past this and ultimately find peace and happiness in your life again.