JoCino

I guess like most of you, i have found myself in a very bad situation that i have not asked for. I apologize for the length of this SAGA, but there's a lot to tell.... long story short - I have just discovered that my wife has been secretly taking cocaine without me knowing for almost a year now.

Who we are:
I am 39, and my wife is 27... never before has the age difference been such a big deal as it is now... i say this mostly because our priorities and views on life have become significantly different.

We have been together for seven years - we moved from New York to South Florida five years ago.
We have an amazing, beautiful, happy daughter together - she is four and a half now and is the love of my life... there is nothing i wouldn't do for my little girl... sacrificing my own happiness for her and her safety.

As for me and my wife, we have had our problems - big problems.
About two years ago, i found out that she had gotten pregnant and flew back to NY to have a secret abortion. This was never told to me by her - i found out about it on my own tracing call records and keyloggers on her computer... she also swears the child she aborted was mine but with the lies already in place, i will die never knowing the truth... I also found out that she cheated on me the NIGHT OF the abortion with some guy she had known from years back... She has since blamed a chemical imbalance and our shaky relationship on the reason for her depression and reasons at the time to drive her to get an abortion... to make matters worse, if you could possibly imagine such a monster, she even took our daughter WITH HER to the clinic that would perform the abortion.... this, in virtually every way, is a no brainer at the time that i should leave her, but my little girl was just a year and a half old and i was very worried about her inability to care for my child in the event we broke up. We are not married and were discussing separating after that and we came up with a time share for our little girl.... in the end, i just didn't feel safe leaving my little girl in her hands, even if it was only for three days a week... as you could imagine, i took a long time to get over that, and in many ways, i still never have - lies, lies and more lies.


As for my story:
We had been planning to move to South Carolina in August of this year... we were planning this move for about two years - we had both really wanted to do so... i had family there and we were waiting for our little girl to be ready for school. We kept signing a one year lease on our house until it was time to go and now, this August, it was supposed to be time to go for good.... but suddenly, she didn't want to go anymore.

She originally said it was our shaky relationship that was stopping her. How she didn't want to be stuck some place where she wouldn't know anybody if we were unable to make things work between us and had to eventually separate... she then became much more blatant in her lack of prioritizing our relationship... i had originally thought that maybe she had found somebody else and that she was maybe cheating on me. She would go to Walmart for two and a half hours and say that that was normal when in the past, she would normally take a half hour to forty five minutes... other times, she would leave the house to go to her best friends house and be gone for six hours at a time.. her normal work shift would be from about 5pm until about 10pm, but there were nights she would come home around 12 or 1 am saying they got stuck late at work... point being, things were seemingly odd.

Finally, i sat her down and began to communicate my unhappiness of the situation and asked her to start putting her family first... keep in mind, we have a little four and a half year old girl here and this, while not outlining every incident, was not typical 'family' behavior and much more blatant than in years or months passed.

This carried on for another couple of weeks.. the fighting and arguing increased... her efforts were non existent no matter how much i asked her to help make them better... it got bad enough that i had had enough and needed to run away for a few days, so me and my daughter visited South Carolina for four days to help take a breather from all the arguing.


About a week or so later, the trends were still happening. It wasn't until then that i finally started to look through her things - her computer, her phone... her stuff... pocketbooks.. etc... looking for a clue of another man... but what i found was actually much worse... i found a letter - written to me, but never given to me - outlining everything.... here is the letter that i found:




This is Your breath of relief, you answerable question, the clarity you seek, the fact that you aren’t crazy.

You’ll be so relieved once you’re through reading. Everything that made no sense finally will. The problem however, is that the truth will set you free. And it might.

I believe that Telling THIS truth will make certain that you never doubt my honesty again. You will see that this truth was told for you, telling this truth does not help me “get my way”or “win the fight”

*I also hope that when you’re done you can try to be as open minded or understanding or considerate as you can find in yourself to be.

Of course I do love you, how could I not love you. You’ve changed my life, you’ve helped bring me the most wonderful child in the world. You’ve accepted my family and difficult as I may have made it for you. You’ve tried for me countless times, and taken more than anyone should be expected to. I don’t know how I’ve been so selfish. But blind and weak may be more accurate.

I do have a reason I didn’t want to leave florida. I didn’t want to leave the beach. I love it here, im so happy to be live here side the beach in florida, with my family. Its beautiful and What a nice life we’ve lived here, and its one that some people might envy.

But then I had another reason. It wasn’t anything that I think ever would’ve crossed your mind on a serious level, or that you could have prevented. It clearly wasn’t my job... it wasn’t my friends that I have here.... it wasn't your family, our family, or you. The reason I couldn’t leave florida, was because I couldn’t leave my drug dealer.

You guys left for a few days and it was an opportunity to medicate myself. The moment I was able to connect enough dots in my own head, and admit to myself (or have an epiphany) that the only person or thing that I couldn’t leave were my drug connects. How would I reestablish them in SC. Would I able to stock up enough coke that Id have a month to find some.

I didn’t think I was a junky, so I never though that it was worth mentioning or even considering it as an issue. That’s the bottom line. and THAT right there….IS the answer.

How I was able to do what I did, and instead look for what was wrong with us/you instead of me.

The reason It never occurred to me that the drugs were the issue was because I, like every drug user, I denied that I had any sort of problem. I always believed that I was in control, because I was functioning, working, paying bills, and most importantly, not being caught. I also didn’t think it was a problem because some drugs are physically addictive, while others are mentally addictive. I was able to be drug free at my own will or financial status. I would go weeks without using, and then love it again the next time. I had no physical withdrawal, or any obvious side effects, and thus I thought that because I able to do that, just stop like that, that it translated to my having it under control. And truth be told, coke doesn’t really do that much, which makes me feel like an idiot.


You’re probably brimming with questions, emotions, anger, disappointment, disgust, relief, and a variety of other things right now. We can pause for Q & A or keep reading.

1. primarily cocaine, adderall(emphetamine), tiny bit barely worth mentioning of soma (muscle relaxer), hydrocone (pain killer).
2. less than a year. Obviously starting off with less frequency, and accelerating in frequency and quantity
3. this is why I was closer to my friends. some knew my secret. So I had more to confide in them.
4. this is why i didn’t pay close enough attention to valentines day or our anniversary, or even bill due dates. I was too distracted by always needing to be one step ahead of my planning, consumption, finances.
5. I thought I was being indulgent or dramatic for even imaging that I was addicted. Of course I was fine, no one ever told me to stop, or threatened to tell you, or saw a problem.
6. this explains being late and always having stories. I had to find places and times to squeeze in transactions. They became harder and harder to hide.
7. this most clearly explains not wanting a joint bank account.
8. the ones that are prescribed me for legitamante reasons are the A.) the spironolactone for my skin, and B.) the citalopram which is a low dose for depression.
9. this explains how I maxed out my credit cards
10. this explains why I was fired from my job
11. this explains why I wanted to work in the city place area - closer to transactions
12. this explains why I kept needing more money



as you could imagine - my heart sank, my stomach did things i had never felt before and i had to read it again and again because i just couldn't believe what just happened.... this was very out of character for her - she's the kind of girl that doesn't smoke cigarettes, drink (two beers and she's drunk), smoke pot - nothing... i was SHOCKED to read this.

When she came home that night, i had to wait to put my little girl to bed before i brought this up to her... so at about 8:30 pm - i finally confronted her with it...

When i showed her the letter - she sobbed immediately - first words out of her mouth - this convicted liar, cheater and aborter - "I Can't Believe I Have No Privacy!"
... i think it was about an hour and a half until she finally said the words, "I'm Sorry"

Me, never being a cocaine guy, had thousands of questions...

"When did this start"
-- "about ten months ago"

"How much do you take?"
--"well, in the beginning, me and her friend form work (female) would buy a $50 bag and it would last us a couple of day"

"how much is a $50 bag?"
--a gram

"and.. how much do you take now?"
-- "now?... well, now i do a $50 bag in a night"

"WOW - a $50 bag in one night?!"
--"O - that's nothing - a $50 bag is not a lot - i know people who do much more"

"Where do you do it?"
-- "At Work"

"Have you ever done it at home?"
-- "no"

"Have you ever done it with another guy?"
-- "no"

"Who'se your drug dealer?"
-- "O - i don't have 'A' drug dealer - i have many"

"How often do you do it?"
-- "Some weeks a $50 bag... and then i can go a couple of weeks without it and then the same thing"

"What's the longest you've gone without using in the past year"
-- "maybe a month"

"How regularly do you take it?"
-- "depends - sometimes that one gram a week - sometimes more - sometimes i would get a gram do it all that night and not again for another couple of weeks"

"How did you get it?"
-- "i would use a payphone so you couldn't track my call records"

"You do know that cocaine is one of the biggest epidemics in this country, right?"
-- "cocaine isn't a physically addicting drug - it's only mentally addicting"

(love that answer)

then she tries explaining how the letter that i found was actually her, "being dramatic" at the time.. that she was high on adderall at the time and just felt like writing... "the letter is actually much worse than it seems", she says.

So here i am - stuck in South Florida - i have a liar, a cheater, an aborter and a coke user on my hands and i am afraid to leave my little girl with her... i also care for her as a person and am afraid that if i did leave her now, she will find herself in a MUCH worse state... but then again.. i only know of what she is willing to admit - i have never been able to detect any symptoms of cocaine use - it's not like there are many to look out for other than the runny nose and crunching jaw.

She's given me all the typical answers of an abuser/addict - denies there's a problem at all, being totally defensive - says she can turn it on or off whenever she wants - that she has a grip on it and this is nothing more than me looking into it more than i should...etc... all the same stuff i'm sure many of you have read, saw and experienced in life, movies, stories or magazinea... she has hid her frequency and quantity from me and her closest of friends... her friends know OF the drug - just not how much... when i told her friend that she was able to consume an entire gram in a six hour span, her jaw almost hit the floor.

I know there are many higher level cocaine users that will also look at this fact as 'low amounts', but it's the patterns and the fact that she is now UP TO this amount.

So now, i'm trying to move her away from this place, to take away her ease of acquisition, but truth be told - i know she can get it anywhere if she wants it and i'm imagining that she can stock some up before we leave until she finds the next cozy dealer to buy from.

I'm at risk of losing my daughter and even worse - something horrible happening... to both of them.

I have researched numerous websites and have called a few different cocaine hotlines to find out answers about the drug and what it is, why it it is what it is.. i know significantly more about it at this point than she does... she just keeps saying there is no problem and that she is not worries because cocaine is not a physically addicting drug... to this she says, "You DO know that i'm a smart person, right - i wouldn't let myself get like that"... to which i answer, "listen, this is not about YOU anymore - this is about the drug... there are many, many brilliant men and women, lawyers, doctors, teachers...etc that have found themselves at the mercy of cocaine"

According to her, she hasn't used now in about a month... but again- with no signs to truly detect - plus, she is a known liar, now a cocaine user willing to give every possible answer to hide her problem - we only have her words to go on, so that could very well also be a lie.


I know this has been an incredibly long story to tell - and thank you to those who have stuck through and read this all, but from what i have researched, it appears that i am now at the mercy she is... she won't seek counseling or any form of rehab... and now she won;t even confide in her friend anymore because she thinks her friend and i are 'teaming up' against her... my poor little girl... she loses the most here and she hasn't even had a chance to do anything bad yet... i'm so heart broken and could use some help... a direction.. something for families in crisis... ANY thing!!!

• is she really addicted?
• can she really be this recreational about it and still pull away - especially after all this time? how hard is that to do?
• am i being dramatic or should i really be concerned?
• is my daughter's safety at risk? (according to her, cocaine is never in the house - but the adderall always IS)
• what's worse?.. the coke or the adderall? from what i've researched, they seem fairly equivalent
• how do i track this?.. prevent this?... i know you'll all say there is nothing i can do - an addict will always find a way, but how will i ever know that she is 'well' again??
• i know many of you will suggest an 'intervention', but she has already lost her job and is already at risk of losing her family...daughter... while i haven't been able to tell if she has in a while - is there any way that i will be??
• am i really, 100%, completely helpless????

if anyone has any suggestions, idea's, advice..etc.. please reply
.. . thank u for taking the time to read this all - i'm desperate for help.