Really Confused
Hi, I'm new here and I have no where else to go, so I'll tell you my story. My wife of 16 years grew up with parents who were alcoholics and divorced. During her teens her only sibling committed suicide, later in life her first husband walked out on her, to say she's had a rough life would be an understatement.
Her father went to AA and became sober (I hope I use the right terms and don't offend anyone, if I do remember I'm confused), he died a couple of years ago and she was real close to him, he lived with us for his last few years. His death hit her real hard, and he was sick for a few years prior to that. In that time we had our own difficulties, we've been to a couple of marriage therapists, but it was like she wasn't really "there". In that time I started to also see a personal therapist, I didn't want any issues I may have interfere with our marriage. It was hard to get any emotion out of my wife, it's like she built a wall around herself so she would appear strong.
Over the winter we separated briefly, in that time she joined Al Anon, she wrote me a beautiful and heart felt letter in hopes that we haven't gone to far, she was excited for her new journey and really wanted me there by her side for support. I was enthusiastic to say the least, we got back together and we were doing good, I found the woman I had married and fell in love with, and I fell in love all over again.
Sorry, it's not a happy ending. During this period she started to go to more and more meetings, she had 5 or 6 books around she was always reading, she was writing notes all over the place, I would ask her how things worked, but I didn't want to pry, she would give me half answers, or say it was personal, ok, I get it, but she was starting to get distant emotionally. She starting spending a lot of time with her sponsor, she would either be out with her sponsor, or on the phone with her sponsor, she even stopped going to her part time job during the week (she works full time weekends).
One day out of no where she asks for a divorce. She has admitted to having "feelings" for her sponsor, and I understand this happens, my therapist tells me she's had lot a patients "fall in love" with her, it's happens when you share like that. It became very apparent to me that while I was falling in love all over again she was starting to withdraw, she was using Al Anon and her sponsor for emotional support, she didn't allow herself to trust me with her feelings. Her sponsor actually is a marriage therapist, so her sponsor knows exactly where we were in our relationship, and yet her sponsor is now in a relationship with my wife.
My wife insists they only have a typical sponsor/sponsoree relationship, yet I know this isn't true, I live in her fathers old apartment and one day I went to get something out of my car and saw them kissing and fooling around through the window. She tells me her sponsor isn't doing anything morally or ethically wrong, the thing is I can't call her a liar because I believe she actually believes that. It just seems to me if you are a sponsor you're probably familiar with the concept of emotional attachment of the sponsoree, and would try to explain that to them. As a Marriage therapist, you really, really should know better.
I don't know if I have a question really, well actually maybe I do, where do you go if you are the spouse of a family member of an alcoholic? I love my wife and our family (we have 3 boys between 8 and 12), I can't help but think she's disillusioned, and I would really hate for her to wake up in a couple of years and realize what she has done, I've tried to explain it to her, but you know how it is when you fall in love, even your closest friend and confidant for half your life is obviously wrong, they just don't understand.