Hi Aviatrix, I sure am glad you're here!
It simply must be dealt with, but I feel so paralyzed and afraid. What are the first steps I should take to break this cycle?
Anxiety on this level also immobilizes me. It's awful. I have a number of tricks to disengage, break out of the pattern. You probably do as well, if you take some time to think about them.
Mine include:
eating well, regular exercise and bed time.
Attending Al-anon or coming here to read.
Lots and lots of prayer
Refocusing my energy towards making my life better right now, no matter what that means. Sometimes it means doing the dishes and sweeping the floor and receiving some immediate gratification.
I cannot stress enough how important exercise is. If you do at least 30 minutes of anything cardio, get your heart and respitory rate up, or however that's spelled, you'll feel better right away.
The final suggestion I have is to formally take charge of your thoughts. There are tons of alanon phrases that are very helpful. "one day at a time," "easy does it," Keep it simple," all sorts of things like that. Shifting my thoughts to something more positive also has an immediate effect.
I think it's wonderful that you can process what's going on with you like this. My next move would be getting therapy, or whatever you need to heal up a bit, and start making a plan for your life.
While it's true, we parents have a powerful influence over our children, we cannot help them (or anyone else) until we've healed ourselves. Also, once they are adults, we can make amends and work to improve the relationship, but it truly is up to them to fix themselves. Just like we have to work on our issues with our parents. We're all victims of victims in my opinion.
When my adult son is engaging in behavior that concerns me, I talk with him about it-once. I also am honest about my failures as his mother, but acknowledge I was doing the best i could at the time, and want better for him. If he listens, he listens. If not, that's his choice.
I know that's not reassuring when looking at an adult child and thinking, "boy did I screw this up," which I fight on a regular basis. But when my shame becomes anxiety, I cannot do anything at all. It's my thoughts, actions and decisions I need to take control of, because everything outside of me is beyond my control.
And when my anger at my AH becomes the issue with my sons, (I also have three sons) I'm especially screwed. Yeah, that ones a real problem.