ulcer inducing anxiety
my dilemma is--I leave in a week--I feel the ulcer-inducing type of anxiety when I even THINK about the thought of leaving without actually having a good-bye with him. the flip-flopping about meeting up a month agoo confuses me because i dont know if it was merely because i didn't "pad" the interaction for him by saying "I want to see you"--and his pervasive fear and defensiveness took over and made him back out of our plans or if he truly wants me to disappear (which, by his initial invite to keep in touch obviously shows that wasn't his gut want).
in a romantic sense, i want that last goodbye to share the sadness of the finality with him, but realistically--i want to leave with him knowing that my door is still open for him. however, i dont know how to communicate this or if i even should because, in the past (during our roller-coaster relationship), when i would tell him what he meant to me during the throws of his depression, he'd push me away even harder and tell me i was manipulating him by saying "I love you. I care about you. I'm rooting for you." etc.
why do i want to leave the door open for him? because i feel that i cant close it-and yes, ive been trying for almost a year now. i've read many times over the things that go into a successful relationship and we have every single one of them down, except for the fact that we are dealing with a very horrible disease (or, in his case, two--depression and alcoholism). i'm smart enough to know, though, that i wouldn't be able to move on WITH HIM in my life unless he starts being proactive with understanding and recovering from his disease(s). during times of lucidity (i.e. not drunk) he would obviously apologize, tell me that he doesn't know why he pushes me away when it's the last thing he wants... and basically make it seem like i'd be better off without him in my life (which is what i truly think he believes).
HONESTLY, I experience feelings nauseousness when i think about driving away from this city and not saying good-bye. I'm trying to train my brain that I won't be doing this, but in case it does--i need advice on how to approach what I just stated.