Tinks~
I can relate to your post completely. I have the same situation in my life. I have come to understand, like Kindeyes, that I cannot try to heal the relationships between two other people. As a mom, it is painful for me to see the division between siblings. But my kids are not little children anymore, and my ability to tell them what to do has disappeared. (I have teens and 20somethings.)
There is one sibling relationship in particular that is very strained, and I used to try to "fix" it. And like all good codependents, it was easy for me to justify my helping. One important thing I have learned in the Program is that the tools I use to deal with my RAS are the same tools I need when dealing with anyone. Including my other kids. Due to this Program, I am a way better mom to my other kids than I was to my oldest.
And because of this Program, I understand that when I try to act as advocate between my kids, I'm really trying to manage and control. And that brings me back to Step One, which is admitting that I am powerless, not only over drugs, but over people. And I'm not just powerless over my RAS; I'm powerless over ALL people, including my other kids.
So, I let them know I will pay for counseling if they so choose. I let them know about groups for siblings. I let them know I am willing to listen if they need to talk. But I no longer tell them what they "should" be doing. I show them by example that there is healing available. They watch me go to meetings. They watch me take calls when someone needs to reach out. They see how much less "involved" I am in everyone else's business. One day, if their lives become unmanageable, I can only hope and pray that they will seek their own recovery. But recovery is such a personal thing, and there is nothing I can do to control their thinking.
There are consequences to drug/alcohol abuse that go beyond physical damage to the addict. Some of those consequences have to do with falling from grace. That is for the addict to address. Addiction is a family disease, and there are casualties. And sometimes damaged relationships are not fixable. That's part of the collateral damage. And that's okay. Sad, but okay.
I guess the important part I try to remember with my kids is that their relationship with their RA sibling is not the measure of their mental/emotional health. Families are put together by circumstance. If my kids encountered a friend/bf/gf who became an addict, my advice to them would be very different from the advice I had been giving them about their brother. I wouldn't worry about the break in the relationship, but rather I'd be supporting it. But as a mom, I want to have one big happy family. And when I forget that my kids have the right to make their own decisions, then I get into trouble.
My other children are not addicts, and they are doing amazingly well in school and in the real world. Some avoid my RAS, some do not. But that's THEIR choice. It's not for me to decide whether they're "okay" or not. Or whether they need "help" or not. That's for THEM to decide. I learned to stop measuring their well-being on whether or not they had a working relationship with their brother. Just because they limit their relationship with their brother doesn't mean they're troubled. In fact, it could be demonstrating their ability to draw personal boundaries and stick to them. And that's healthy.
Step One reminds me that I am powerless over ALL my children. Even the ones who are doing great. I give them the dignity to make their own choices. Presumptuous codependent me needs to back off.
Stay strong! :-)