LadyM

I have been wanting to talk to my AH for a while about his continued drinking. For those who don't know me yet - I'm new and my AH only drinks after work and on weekends starting about lunch time ... and doesn't stop until we go to bed. That doesn't make him any less of an 'A' even though he thinks he doesn't have a problem. Well last night he opened the proverbial door ...

We were talking about a person we know who is an A - this man's wife moved out about 8 mos ago and took the kids who only visited their dad occasionally. Well apparently he was talking to my FIL about how he lost a custody case and was deemed unfit. He asked my FIL if he thought his drinking was a problem ... my FIL (an retired cop) said "If I were in a cruiser right now and saw you get out of your truck I'd arrest you - yeah, it's a problem." The A then asked my FIL what my UIL did to get sober so my FIL gave him my UIL's number. My AH was flabbergasted that this other man had no idea his drinking was a problem until he lost the custody case (the other man's alcoholism is, I guess you could say, 'more obvious' to other people. I saw this as a possible opening so I took it - agreeing that it seems bizarre when somebody doesn't realize they have a problem with alcohol and then tried to explain about how the chemicals in the brain get so altered that the A may feel like they're a failure when they can't stop or cut down but it's because their brains are changed and it's not a matter of will.

As I was trying to comment my AH inturruped be a couple times with yeah, yeah, yeah I know it's a chemical thing (and when I continued with the part about not being able to stop/cut back) "okay I don't need to know about all the little crap I was just telling you about (the other A man) ..."

Shut down. Hard.

So I'm back to the drawing board. I obviously got too close for comfort but the more I educate myself about Alcoholism the more it all makes sense. I don't know if there is any easy way to approach this conversation (again) but I do want to try. I keep saying to myself something I read on another post that was really helpful to me (can't remember which post, sorry)

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it

But man, it would really help if he could admit that his drinking is not healthy and is messing up his family/home life (even if his work is not effected by it). How hard it is to see and not be able to help at all. I think of leaving but when i really consider it I get a panic response feeling from inside (NO! I don't want to leave!!) ... but I don't want to live on this merry-go-round anymore either :/