PPA1048

Hello everyone, this is my first post and I am not really sure if this is the right board to post but maybe some of you could point me in the right direction or possibly give me some insight or understanding. I will probably ramble some as my thoughts go from one extreme to another. My husband has been in pain management for about 8 years now and he has had 4 back operations and 2 total knee replacements. He hurt his back many years ago and I have seen my vibrant, outgoing, fun loving husband basically turn into a shell of his former self. He just had his last back surgery a few weeks ago. Anyway, I know that he is in pain and sometimes I do not understand how much pain but I do know that my husband has a problem with his pain meds. I don't know how much of his pain is mental or physical because he has been on such strong meds for so long, I don’t even think that he knows what his true pain level is as it has been masked for so many years. I have seen him abuse his pills. I have seen him from time to time nodding off, being stoned, looking into his glassy glazy eyes, all the terrible things that no wife really wants to see and of course I have argued, yelled, cried, screamed, you name it about his abuse of the pills. I am totally codependent and I know that I have to change my behavior and that I cannot change his and I cannot fix this.

I typically hold his meds as he will run out by the end of the month. We have argued because he will come to me some of the days of the month for just one more pill and says he will make up for it at the end of the month by taking less, it is a vicious cycle. My hope and prayer is that this last operation worked and he is able to come off of the pills, which he says he will be off of by the end of the year but of course, I have heard this song and dance before only to be disappointed again.

I am writing here today because I am just so darn frustrated because he does not see that he has a problem. He just says that I don't understand what it is like to live in pain every day and that I cannot understand as I don't walk in his shoes. He claims he does not have a problem and that he is going to get off of the pills, blah blah blah. So he went to pain mgmt. the other day and not only did the doctor give him his regular prescription for fentanyl, morphine & lyrica, but he also gave him an additional script for Oxys because the oral fentanyl he has been taking for a few years was not supposed to be covered by his insurance anymore so in case his insurance would not cover it at the pharmacy, he gave him Oxy's right there in the office just in case. The fentanyl is filled by the pharmacy but the doctor gives him his other pills right there in the office. So now not only does he have his regular stuff he has Oxy's. He claims that he will hold on to them until next month when he sees the doctor because most likely the insurance co. will not cover his fentanyl next month and he will have to start taking the Oxys. instead.

Normally he gives me all of his pills to dish out every day and when he handed me the bag of meds some of the oxy's were missing so of course an argument started, and of course, no one really won the argument as there is no arguing with someone who is obviously under the influence, as he had the glassy, glazy look and it was obvious that he had already taken something extra as soon as he got it filled. So I just walked away with the medicine bag that he gave me and just gave up arguing for the night. He of course just went outside to smoke a cigarette (he does not smoke in the house) and proceeded to nod off in the chair outside and then came into the house about 2 hours later and passed out in the bed.

Gosh I know that I am rambling. I am at work right now falling to pieces, trying to put on my fake brave face that everything is fine but inside I am dying. I know that my marriage is in deep trouble after 25 years and I don't know how much more I can take. I am afraid for my husband, we have had numerous fights and discussions over the last 8 years about his pain pills and how it is destroying our lives. I don't want to see my husband in pain but I also don't want to see him stoned. How can there be a balance, I don’t know. It is not a daily occurrence, it comes in cycles, he will be fine for a week or two taking the pills as prescribed and then he will have a day or two where it is obvious that he took more than he should, he claims it is no different than going out with the guys and having a few beers every so often (yeah right). Anyway I had to put some of my thoughts down as I don't really know what to do or where to turn at this point. Thanks for listening to the codependent wife.