Me again...dog is out.
My problem with AA is that I feel it takes a dogmatic submission to some ideas that don't fit with my religious convictions. Specifically, I trust God to provide for my every need. In 25 years, I can't subscribe to some of the readings, and some of tenets. I feel like the program wants to break down the core of me to rebuild on their specific way of life. I have deep religious convictions that make programatic thinking feel like brainwashing similar to that done in cults. Ironically, I have come to believe that some of modern religion acts in the same way. I trust my inner spiritual core instincts when I sense it, and I avoid it. I give myself over to God alone.
That said, I also know my drinking and drugging shrouds my God-given gifts. I know, for me, it sinfully separates me from God. Think of the childhood song "this little gospel light of mine"..."hide it under a bushel, NO!" Well, that is what I keep doing. I believe that God will bless my life in ways I can't even imagine, when I lay down my sins at the cross with repentance, through His forgiveness, and set my standards of life to His pleasing way. I believe this even though I drank just yesterday. I believe AA articulates these blessings appropriately in the Promises, and that only by abstaining can our mind and soul hear God to discern His will in our lives.
So, my religious conviction may now be more apparent. That said, I don't believe that just any Higher Power, not specifically God, can avail anything of the sort. I separate from AA on that regard, but I don't judge others for their beliefs, and believe that God can and will move lives for His glory, even if they are attributing it all to a light bulb as their Higher Power. The mysterious ways of our Lord are not always for our understanding in this life.
Now, off the pulpit. I believe that I, through free will, have the choice of living in sin, or rejecting a sinful life. I am talking about the selfish act of using. My confusion lies in rejection of much of secular life; i.e, politics, the power of money, etc. I have rationalized my using as a respite from a broken world, and still do. But, in doing so, I am diminishing my "light" from the world, and from myself. The only answer for me is to submit to God, and be sober enough to discern His will, and where I can be of utility and service to others in that regard.
So...I have come to believe that I need to acknowledge my responsibility to myself and others to remain sober. This, I now think, is a deliberate process that I must take action on, not to find God or spirituality, but to exercise my free will in God-pleasing ways. This is not to earn my salvation, but to live up to it. As a Lutheran, I am not of the mind that I can do anything to earn God's gift of eternal life other than believing in the saving grace of Jesus' death on the cross, God's gift to all. All we must do is choose to accept it.
Bottom line...I need to get sober, but I think I must exercise my free will to do such, and bear any crosses I've created by my choices to drink and use. And, I believe that, as I grow and mature in sobriety, I will also grow closer to God in faith, and my life will be blessed by it. I will experience some of the progress as articulated in AA, but through the Holy Spirit, not a series of steps I have completed. I certainly don't want to intimate that I am against the AA program; I am not. For me, it has had a purpose, and for many, it is a lifeline. I do see great value in fellowship with other alcoholics, and may return to the program at some future date for that reason alone.
For now, I think CBT and an addiction therapist are the right way to go for me.