Greet,
It's exactly the same. It's the ambivalence and waffling that just get you. But...I know that you can't be there until you are there. I wonder what you can do to get there sooner?
I think that a lot of my waffling has had to do with the fear of "doing life" without a partner. My husband was not there emotionally for me 98% of the time. Not good. So, I was really alone....alone with him and stuck in the confines of a marriage that precluded being open to a partnership that did provide that. Now it's about accepting "Yep. You are alone". That's when my recovery brain steps in and reminds me of HP and all of us "we's" that follow this path. I am not alone and now I just have to educate that part of me that believes that alone stuff. I recognize that I have a ways to go yet but that's why I have myself on a relationship detox for at least 9 months. I have a hunch it will be longer but that length of time quiets the crazy voices in my head that want to numb out the discomfort with another relationship. NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.
I have "defriended" my husband on Facebook so that I do not have to (and can't) see his pursuit of other hostages (oops...I mean women). I did see where he removed his relationship status and also any pictures that I was in. That told me that he sees that it is over with us and he is moving on. Which is a good thing. There is a part of me that that stings but I realize that is probably a normal feeling. I'm definitely not longing for him or a relationship with him. Must be some ego thing on my part.
It's nice to be sailing out towards a future where I don't constantly have someone rocking the boat. When the waters of life get rocky and your boat is already rocking you don't really have a chance, do you? Right now, I'm just going to go on day sails around the cove. I need to regain my confidence in me and my own abilities. I know that they are there but I need to "feel them" the same way that I am able to feel that this is over.
Ok....into the boat for a little day sail. Thanks again, Donna