Finally accepted I am an alcoholic.
I've been lurking here for months and today I made the decision to join. I'm accepting I am an alcoholic.
Day four without a drink.
Slept for a few hours last night and when the alarm went off at six I could hardly open my eyes. I feel really tired. But I’m sober and I feel good for that.
I now know what I must do and I must summon every single fibre of willpower and bend it to my will.
All my thoughts seem to be of alcohol and my next drink.
I don’t “want” a drink. But my mind keeps playing tricks on me. Why is it doing this?
I cycled into work this morning and I powered up the steep hill and felt really good. On the way up I passed one of my sons friends walking to work and so of course I put in extra effort to make it look casual. By the time I reached the top I was gasping for air, but I was gasping and I felt alive. I felt good.
Monday night I saw John McEnroe discussing Andy Murray and I marvelled at how well McEnroe looked. He’s still got an athletic body and his face looks so fresh. He obviously looks after himself very well. This is how I want to look.
I bet McEnroe doesn’t drink himself into oblivion every couple of days. I bet he doesn’t even touch the stuff. Maybe I’ll ask him.
The decision has been made. I’m an alcoholic and I can’t drink again. I’ve known it for quite a while now but I’ve been deluding myself that I have it under control.
I’ve lost thousands over the years playing online poker when I’ve been pissed up. I won a tournament once when I was completely out of it but the $1200 winnings were soon given back.
A couple of weeks ago I lost about £600 in an online casino whilst in a blackout. Financially drink is starving me of any small successes I make in my work. It’s one step forward and two back.
To look into your bank account and hate yourself because it’s empty then realise you donked it all away the night before. How can you not have a problem?
But in my mind it’s such a wrench. All the great times I’ve had in the pub over the years. What will I do at the parties? What will I do at weekends?
What will I do when the football is on TV and my mates come around to watch Liverpool.
What will I do on Friday night? Every Friday for twenty nine years I’ve been out of it by the end of the night. Last week I managed to get through the week without a drink until Friday and then gave in.
How will this Friday be any different? What can I do to change the pattern?
What can I do to change my life?
I’m fed up of wearing baggy jogging trousers and XL T shirts. I can’t get into 90% of my clothes.
I want to get skinny again and I’m tired of being tired. I looked into my eyes this morning and the whites are off white. They are tired. God knows what my liver must be like. I’ve been drinking since I was 18 so it must be pickled.
I must start writing a new chapter in my life and become the person I want to be. If it means never touching a drink again then I have to be prepared to pay that price.