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08-17-2004, 11:35 AM

# 1 (permalink)

jessicajo8504

Member

Join Date: Aug 2004

Location: Vincennes, IN

Posts: 32

Mental Disorder?

Hi I am Jessica, 19, alcoholic/addict. I am recently sober for the third time of 9 days :banghead:. I have found myself in a place that I have never wanted to be again. I am very deeply depressed. I have been told by many psychiatrist and psychologist that I have bi-polar, schizophrenia, and many other mental disorders. When I was in active addiction I never really felt these symptoms that I have now. I used to numb myself to those feelings and effects. I tried to numb the bad stuff and in return also numbed to good feelings. So now that I am feeling some feelings for the first time it is scaring me. Scaring me to the point that I wish I could just blow my head off. So now at 9 days of sobriety I am starting back with the symptoms that scared me into using again the second time. I am starting to panic often, feel closed in, and stressed to the max ! I have also started back in with the flash backs that I had earlier on in my teen years, before the using started. I have flash backs of me as a child. I don't know what is going on or who I am with. They are so real. I feel as if I am being hurt in a way that a little girl should not be hurt. I feel the anger, the sadness, and the rage start building up inside of me. These flashbacks can happen at anytime, anywhere. Something always triggers them though, a voice, a sound, a smell, a sight, a physical feeling, or emotional feeling. I am just scared out of my mind. I have been looking for psychiatrist to go see. I called my old one but since I moved away for 6 months I am not considerd his patient anymore and he isn't taking any new patients. My insurance is horrible so I can't find any professional to take me because of that reason. So I figured I could maybe gets some feed back from everyone here and at my local NA/AA meetings.
Thanks