I know this sounds crazy. But I dont want to get to the point where my only option is leaving. My AH is currently not using. Its just all the old crap and my distrust issues that are affecting me. I have this picture of what his soberity should look like and when his path doesnt match my picture the craziness begins. For years he put me through hell and now I am the one destroying the marriage. I cant get over it. I want too, but just when I think I have gotten control of myself the anxiety and fear of what "might" be happening creeps up again. And we are off. I truely believe he feels remorse and sadness for what has happened. But I am so ANGRY and so WORRIED that I am destroying us. Isnt it funny how now that he is doing what I always wanted him to do I am worse than ever. And I know it confuses and angers him and tests his will. Its like I am pushing him to use again just beacuse I think he will. Has it ended up that I am the one that isnt good for him? Will I be his reason for relapse? Holy moly I have lost it.