I can relate to you so well.
I am a successful professional and I don't understand why I'm not successful when it comes to alcohol. I hate feeling powerless over it and I hate that I can't control it.
I have depression and anxiety, and social anxiety, and I feel like it's all a big cycle. I drank to not feel anxious or depressed and for a temporary time I just felt happy and outgoing and "normal." Then I felt remorse and regret and even more anxious and depressed. And when I realize I have this big problem and I'm unsure how to deal with it, I feel depressed. I mean maybe whatever I do, I feel depressed or anxious... but how does alcohol help that? It really doesn't. It really makes it worse instead of better.
If you are like me then over time the negative effects of alcohol start showing up a lot more than any "positive" effects. Yeah it helps me be more relaxed and outgoing. Until I end up not knowing, or regretting (which is worse? I don't know) what I said or did. It changes me for the worst and over time it does much more to cause me anxiety and depression than it ever did to help me. At first I thought it helped me but I was just plain wrong.
I don't know why I can't drink like a normal person. I wish I could but I can't. This is a simple fact I am slowly trying to accept and I am not there yet, I still want to rebel against the notion and I still want to think I'm normal but I'm not. I mean, what is normal? I don't know. I think A LOT of people feel like they don't fit in, a lot of people get nervous around other people they don't know well, and a lot of people aren't comfortable in public. Alcohol really doesn't make these problems any easier. Temporarily it seems to but in the long run it ends up hurting more than helping, big time.
I don't know. All I know is I'm not poor. I'm not on skid row. Yet I have an alcohol problem. I came from a conservative, ultra religious middle class family. Probably on the lower end of middle class but it was Small Town America so we were better off than a lot and worse off than some. I had parents who loved me very much and tried to give me a good life. Yeah they were way too super religious freaky and over protective and smothering. But they loved me. They still love me. I was very intelligent and ambitious and creative ever since I can remember. I loved to read and write and learn and explore and I couldn't wait to get out of that little town and I did. I put myself through college and graduate school, I built up a nice career for myself. And yet I never felt accomplished, I never felt fulfilled, I never felt like the image I was working towards and portraying. And I drank and I didn't realize until recently that I had such a big alcohol problem. I can do all of this but I can't control my drinking? It doesn't make sense. I don't have a "reason", like being poor or stupid or from an abusive family etc. I have every reason NOT to drink. And every reason TO drink. It's glamorized, everywhere. Go to the beach and have a daquiri. Go out with colleagues and have Grey Goose. Go to Mexico and have a Corona. I mean it's on commercials and everyone does it and in some ways alcohol/drinking is seen as a sign of success just as much as it's seen in other contexts as a sign of bums on skid row.
Sorry that I'm rambling. I have been thinking about a lot of things and I can totally relate to everything you write. I think it's good that you are being honest. I agree that no one can help you unless you are. My therapist said she didn't think I was an alcoholic but that I could be heading down that road if I don't curb it. Did I tell her about how much I drank? No. Did I tell her how many times I went to work hungover or I blew off responsibilities so that I could get drunk? How many times I was hungover or maybe still drunk while I was sitting there in her office? No. She had no idea. So when I finally said, you know, I think I'm dealing with all of these hard problems by drinking a bit too much, she was like hmmm. Perhaps you should stop drinking or limit your drinking. I mean, duh. I knew that but I wasn't doing it and that's why I never told her. Because I didn't want to have to stop or limit it.
Anyway. You have a family of your own. That is a great reason to stop drinking. I'm jealous. I feel so alone! I only have myself. I need to do this for myself and so do you but just as much so you need to do it for your family and you are blessed to have them there for you. :-) Good luck. I think you can do it if you want it enough! I do understand the struggle. For sure.