I so feel you.
I am finalizing a divorce to a good man.
He's never abused me.
He's smart and thoughtful and rediculously generous.
He's responsible and hard working.
We wanted kids and he is A-MAZING with kids.
He also is addicted to alcohol.
He hides it and drinks in secret and lies about it.
Also, like most alcoholics, he can't really deal with that, so there is a lot of distraction and minimization and sometimes, outright lies.
I think he struggles with depression.
I think he drinks to deal with it - self medication, as they say.
I am now 37. I was pregnant when I figured out how much my AH was drinking (in secret).
I lost the baby, but felt it was a blessing in disguise because when I confronted my AH on his drinking, he flipped his switch.
He was grumpy and snotty and depressed and fatalistic and defensive for months. YUCK-O.
I had been unconciously playing nice with him to keep him relatively happy, but when I rocked the boat, he couldn't deal.
What life is all smooth sailing?
Life has ups and downs.
I realized I needed a partner that could deal with the downs, too. Not by depression and lies and drinking, but by growing.
So, I left him.
Its sad, for sure. Its a huge loss. He's still a good guy.
But he couldn't have dealt with the stress of parenting with me.
He couldn't deal with me being honest about what didn't work for me.
It didn't work.
Its not sunshine and roses now.
I am still grieving.
But I am moving forward.
If I want a family at my age, I have to have my life be open to that. That means I am divorced, have done my emotional work (and will forever) and am open and ready for that.
I'm working on that.
I'm learning to let go.
I'm learning to open to what I deserve.
I'm learning to enjoy me, single.
I'm learning to accept life as it is offered while creating the life I dream of.
I wish us both joy.
fp