Hey Jenny,
Welcome!
You are not alone.
The disease of addiction is willing to bulldoze itself over everything that we love in our heart of hearts. Nothing is sacred to it. The Big Book of AA and the Basic Text of NA both refer to this Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde phenomenon. In my estimation, Mr Hyde is a bit of a sociopath -- he's willing to take down the world, from our ethics and own moral codes, over our marriages, our families, our friendships, our children, sacrificing hard-earned careers, risking our finances, our freedom, our health, our reputations and our own self-respect, all to feed his own needs. I don't doubt for a moment that the goal of the disease of addiction is death, and all avenues of pain, misery and fear will us lead there.
I am grateful to hear that you're seeking help through NA. It's through the 12-steps and 12-step fellowships (AA, NA, CA, etc.) that I have found peace and forgiveness where I never thought it possible. I believed that the resentment -- in anger, guilt, shame -- that I was carrying around for all those years was also destroying me, but nothing I tried to get rid of it seemed to work. The drugs were silencing the feelings for a time, but when I realized that I could no longer live on drugs, I found myself in a precarious place. What was there left to do?
I'll tell you this: miracles happen. The steps have helped me in more ways than I ever could have predicted. Steps 4 and 5 helped to change my life with regard to resentments (resentment in the sense to re-feel, as in a negative emotion). I learned how to truly forgive others for the first time. And, by the grace of my HP, I also learned how to finally forgive myself. There have been -- and continue to be -- so many revelations. One question I had to ask myself was if I was willing to forgive myself for something I had no control over. I was powerless over my addiction -- that is not by any means limited to drugs. I am talking about true sickness, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Taking the steps has meant the end of the victim here. This means that, while I may need to forgive myself, it doesn't make me unaccountable for my actions. You know what I've done about those? Amends. Step 9. The real deal. I've done many, and I still have more to do. My step 8 list has been substantial. These actions have been changing my life. I am so grateful to be able to set things right where I have caused harm. It just so happens that I also believe that amends are part of my ability to survive this disease and live happy, joyous and free.
If you're looking for suggestions, when looking for a sponsor find someone who has had a spiritual experience / spiritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps, who really knows their onions and can show you the way to freedom. I'm promising it exists, because I've been standing on the Broad Highway myself.
For today, stay clean. Congratulations on your clean time. Keep going in the right direction. Let the good of the universe direct you to where you need to go. Listen to your heart. Be grateful you have a conscience.
With love,
SIU
