Hi Poetry, I am so sorry you are here with us. But it is a step in the right direction. I feel very much the same as you. The exception is that I am dealing with my husband of 18 years. He too started with alcohol and advanced to all out drugs and after 5 years of dealing with it directly, I took action through the legal system to get myself away from it.
He was with a friend for 6 months, then the friend kicked him out and now he stays wherever he can...sometimes on our property in his car. I never, ever would have imagined he would choose not to take steps to fix his issues - instead he remains in denial and blames me for all of us problems. It hurts so much to see them like this, and resist allowing them in. I have major problems with boundaries, which has reared its ugly head recently. I am in a constant battle with myself on what to do. Most days I just plug along and try to mentally stay away from the worry and guilt and wonderings.
Somewhere in us we have to learn to let go...and realize that these are the consequences for their own choices, not ours. We can't fix them. And they have choices...we may never understand why they choose not to seek help. It's craziness I tell ya.
I know I am not helping...just sharing that you are not alone whatsoever. So many of us are fumbling around trying to figure out the right path to take. Hang in there...and continue seeking help for you. ****{HUGS}}}